The downside is that many of these lessons you'd rather not learn.
Like how to dress for dying.
The other day I was going for a ride on my bike when my wife said: "You can't go riding like that: you have your shirt on inside out."
"So what?"
"Suppose you had an accident . . ."
Why are women obsessed with dressing for death? Remember how your mother used to tell you to make sure you wore clean underwear in case you had to be taken to hospital?
Can you picture the scene? You've been hit by a bus and are lying in the emergency room with three doctors hovering over you.
Suddenly, one says: "Hey, wait a minute. This patient has on dirty underwear and his shirt is inside out! We can't proceed with surgery. Take him upstairs and have four MRIs, five ultrasounds, ten X-rays, and 16 enemas done on him. We have to find out why his shirt is on wrong."
"Won't that add $500 000 to the bill?" asks the innocent young nurse.
"Well, duh!" snort all the doctors derisively.
I recall the time when our then ten-year-old son was going away on his first Cub Scout jamboree camp. My wife packed him 60 underpants for the six days.
"Hold on," I said. "The chief scout wrote in his circular that each boy should pack only what he could carry himself. Right now we need a Bobcat to load his underpants onto a truck."
"Nonsense!" said my wife. "Only a man would've made up such a stupid rule. You will carry it into the camp for him.
"You will also check out the kitchen and the toilets " to make sure they're clean. And you will report back to me". I clicked my heels and did the Nazi salute – after she'd left the room. Marriage lesson No 1: Spineless wimps have a better chance of survival.
Of course, I didn't carry out her instructions. The night before, he and I emptied out most of the underpants and shoved them under his bed.
Of course, I didn't inspect the toilets or kitchen. I'm not a bloody idiot. Of course I lied about it.
Second marriage lesson: Lying is essential to a happy and stable marriage. The high divorce rate today is entirely due to this stupid modern fad of total honesty between spouses.
Once I gave my wife a nifty little sewing kit I bought for $9.99 in one of those discount outlets in The Belle (so I'm fiscally prudent; sue me.) for our anniversary. She was moved to tears. Tears of rage, apparently.
Third marriage lesson: A stupid gift is worse than no gift at all. So, guys, say it with a Rolex.
Sex also gives rise to conflict in a marriage. The problem is that women have 500 erogenous zones, which keep on changing, and men have only one. And it's not hard to find. We'll gladly show you where it is. So why waste time nibbling on our earlobes?
Final marriage lesson: Cooking relieves stress. If my wife starts to rant and rave – did I say if? – I go and cook a pot of "salt fish delight".
Take a big pot, layer slices of raw breadfruit and sweet potato, diced onions, sliced sweet peppers and boiled salt fish. On top of that sprinkle chopped garlic and one chopped hot pepper (without seeds). Pour on a large can of diced tomatoes. Add a bay leaf. Sprinkle liberally with chopped coriander. Pour in 3/4 cup of olive oil and two cups of water. Bring to the boil, stir gently and let simmer for as long as it takes you to find a lost erogenous zone.
Eat.
*Peter Laurie is a retired diplomat and a commentator on social issues.