No matter what, never let him start abusing you
By as told to Sanka Price | Sat, July 17, 2010 - 12:22 AM
I AM NOW truly convinced that men are dogs.
I am also convinced that when men have a woman who loves them unconditionally, they treat her with total disrespect.
That happened to me, and I want to talk about it because other women need to know that no matter how much in love with a man they may be, they should never lose their individuality or allow him to disrespect them. This is important because if men get away with not respecting you once, they will do it again and again. I know this because I lived it.
My husband disrespected me, physically abused me, and embarrassed me publicly through the years, but I hung in there with him as I always hoped that our relationship would improve and he would change back to the loving person I first fell in love with.
Though month after month and year after year I kept hoping for this, it never happened. But as I believed that when I got married it was for better or worse, I stuck it out.
I stayed with him, too, because I felt that if you believe someone is worth it, you should work hard to develop that relationship, and even harder to maintain it. That means taking the good times with the bad ones, and always working on improving the relationship by learning from each incident that occurred between you.
The problem is, these concepts only work when the man you love believes in them, too. When he doesn’t, as I grew to find out, then these ideals mean nothing.
What happened to me still makes me wonder how I could love someone so much that I became foolish behind him. That is, for 11 years I stood by with little complaint as he did what he liked and disrespected our marriage. First, he started with another woman, and when I told him about my suspicions the blows started.
At first he would only hit me when we got into a noise and he could not win the argument – so for him might became right. Then it got worse. He started beating me at the slightest thing. I used to be literally his punching bag.
What was worse was that he began hitting me in front of our young son. After a while my son would strike out at me when I said no to whatever he wanted. So my husband’s actions had an impact on our child’s behaviour.
Yet, through it all, I never told anyone what he was doing, not even my family as they believed in him.
The other thing he used to do was to just have sex with me. Gone was the lovemaking, kissing and caressing that I had become accustomed to. I was just his sperm bank for him to deposit in whenever he wanted to. It was often a short, painful experience. And whenever I resisted, he would beat me.
Things got so bad that after a beating one night I decided I had enough and called the police. He was charged and later placed on a bond to keep the peace after I explained everything to the court.
We had been together for nearly 11 years by then. I had cried more in those years than in all my years growing up; it was that traumatic.
As we were renting, he just moved out his things and started living with a woman. I have been getting on quietly with my life.
To this day, though, I can’t place my finger on what made him change. When I sit down and study the hurtful things he told me, and how he treated me, I just cry.
Given what I have been through, I feel if somebody nice came along right now that I might treat them the way my husband treated me. I hate men that much now.
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I can understand your pain, many of us both men/women behave in the same way, we have a good man/woman and treat them with scant respect. It’s not about love but satisfying one’s desires and if it means doing all the things mentioned in this article they will. This the way some people think/behave and they is no respect for the other person when these things are happening, it will make you think of all the reasons that will pop up in your mind while thinking about the negatives of the other person that cause them to behave like this, when one gets involve with someone it’s always nice in the beginning but as times pass you see the true colors of some of these people and it’s not always a pleasant/happy situation. We say we love but this don’t always be so, love is to keep you in a position of denial.
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Comment LinkTime heals all wounds hon. Don’t worry you’ll be fine, Just Pray.
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Comment LinkMy dear, I’m a man and I can feel your pain. Time heals all wounds and I really hope you find someone wholesome and fulfilling who can help you forget the horror you’ve been through.
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Comment Linkwow when you think your story is bad there is one with a worse one 11 years is long and you got to love yourself frist
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Comment Linkreally there is one thing i can say to you,you are wrong both ways,wrong about men coz all are not the same,you pick a bad one and hope for a miracle,and then you let him walk all over you,so face up, that the way you choose to live your sorry life,you are the one to blame coz you let it happen hoping for a miracle,bet he is not treating the woman he has now the way he treated you,so wise up and face up,other men did not abuse you,you abuse yourself and that’s the way it is,face reality.stop blaming good men there are plenty out there find one.good luck….
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Comment LinkI share in your pain and the loss of dignity throughout this crisis. Please take the time to know yourself and heal. These expereinces leave an individual quite wounded.
Both women and men search for solace after these awful relationships in the arms of others. This is due to our fear of being alone. However, thats just a bandaid approach. The ongoing abuse and anger will continue. This individual will continue to abuse whoever he lives with. Why? He has internal issues that cause him to wreck so much havoc. Please understand, both men and women look for sex instead of love when in pain. Thats why I advise you to pick up the pieces, love yourself and take back your dignity. In the end you will come to the realization he will become a figment of the past.
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Comment LinkAt least you are alive to tell your story .Sister let not this monster cloud your vision or heart .You are at peace now .Let someone else bother about him now .Life is too wonderful to worry about things you cannot change.It would be easy for me to say that you stood for his mental and physical abuse for too long .But on the other hand you can do as you like but not as long as you like .Please stop worrying about what if you did anything to change him to what he is .Sister they are wolves in sheep clothing and he very well may have been one .Live and love life for you and your child .One thing i heard and it is true you
would not get two jackasses in a life time .
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Comment LinkGirl he didn’t change when you got married. He was always like that, but like all the others out there you missed the sign. Either that or you wanted that ring so badly, you ignored it. Yes I said it! I’ve seen this repeatedly with women, they see the writing as clear as day on the wall, but do they take heed and run away. NO! They want that ring so badly that they somehow think, that once they get married they can change the man. When the truth of the matter is, the only person you can change is yourself.
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Comment LinkI know exactly what she is saying,I lived it..only for 4 years though,,thank God .I was praying all along,no way I intend to live like this ,I had a job,and could maintain myself, then the time was right I bought a plane ticket,and was outa that 4 bedroom ,2 bathroom house.I had to get my sanity back. Now 3 years after the e-mails are coming..“U belong here”........“I miss u”....“We need to talk”..but as there is a God above..NOT ME….......Hang in there lady ,you will overcome.just love yourself more next time around,it was a lesson learnt.
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Comment LinkStay single and be happy. Some people just are not meant to be entangled with someone else and are just better off single, dating and being independent. Next person comes along, don’t consider marriage until you have been with them a good long while. I’m talking years…at least 7, and keep your eyes open the whole time.
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Comment LinkSometimes women have men that love them and they hurt them to the bone so it is a fifty fifty thing.
onlooker
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Comment LinkI understand your pain. I lived it for 5 years. The abuse from the women, everything you went through i did and worse, I stuck by him thinking things would get better. My wake-up call was when he came to my throat wth a knife.That is when i decided enough is enough. I waited until he went to work the Saturday night, packed up my stuff and I was gone by the time he came home next morning. It is not worth it now. I’m living happy, contented and satisfied. I don’t even want two see his name on paper. Love who loves you, not who you love.
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