Nation e-Edition

Dis great game we call “politrics”!

Dis great game we call “politrics”!

Tue, October 16, 2012 - 12:01 AM

Dear Nesta

Wuh you would say ef I tell yuh I decidin’ to run fuh de House?

Wuh house? I talkin’ ’bout Parliament, yuh moojin! You could laff as much as you like, but evuh sence my doctor tell muh dis feverish feelin’ I got is “election fever”, my head get mo’ hot, an’ right away, I start seein’ all manner o’ t’ings – money – includin’ all dem per diems when I travel – free trips, perks galore! I tek all dis as a sign I should become a politician, so bell or no bell, I ready!  

I en pick out a constituency as yet, nor I en callin’ de name o’ de party I joinin’. Right now, it look to me as ef it is six o’ one an’ half-dozen o’ de ethuh, so I might jes’ decide to run as a Independent, aldoh muh future in de House won’ be de brightes’ (looka wuh happen to Hammie-La) an’ I would ha’ to hop ’cross to one side – neffin new. But dah en my concern right now, I got to win de seat firs’!  

Meanwhile, I gettin’ bare sport wid dis campaignin’. As you know, I don’ touch “strong drink”, but it en stoppin’ muh from gettin’ togedduh wid de “fellas” in de rum shops an’ runnin’ muh mout’ from one t’ing to de nex’, an’ mekkin’ nuff promises I know I en got de slightes’ intention o’ keepin’! I been able to get a copy o’ de politrics han’book How To Succeed In Politrics ’Pon Fair Promises, an’ it not only been teachin’ muh how to avoid gi’in’ any direck or trooful answers, but it also helpin’ muh wid de dramatic side o’ t’ings when I got to speak ’pon any platform!  

Dat book is so good dat I becomin’ a master speaker. I got a wide news netwuk to gi’e muh de inside “scoop” regardin’ de private lives o’ my opponents, so nobody en gine be able to beat me when it come to character assassination. When I en got de true facks, or rumours to fall back ’pon, abuse gine be my weapon, aldoh I won’ be nusin’ no nasty words a-tall, ’cause, as you know, I’s a Christun!  

One night, when I reach home from a meetin’, I was so tired an’ hoarse from all de bawlin’ an’ shoutin’ an’ flingin’ ’bout muh han’s, I coulda swear I was pickin’ up somet’ing, but I had to get muhself fit fuh de nex’ day, as I had to show muh face at de funerals o’ two people in a constituency I might choose, an’ yuh know, I c’n miss out dem! Wunna people don’ know hummuch trouble it is to get in de House, jes’ to fight fuh wunna, so it does really upset me when I hear people cussin’ politicians an’ callin’ duh all sorts o’ onmentionable names, whenevuh duh cyahn fin’ dem!            

By de way, I went an’ get de tailor to mek two new pairs o’ slacks to wear at meetin’s – widout pockets – so I could troofully tell anybody axin’ fuh a handout, dat I would gladly help duh out, ef  I had any cash ’pon muh!  (Chapter 6 o’ de an’book).

Ness, soon as I win dat seat, I gine straight to a car dealer an’ pick out de bigges’ vehicle in de shop an’ mek sure de winders tint heavy, befo’ delivry. An’ don’ doubt God, I got muh custom-mek suit ready all like now – hat an’ gloves too! Check muh when I gine up dem Parliament steps fuh de openin’ – I cyahn wait!

Oh Lord, Philomena jes’ shake muh an’ wake muh up! She wanta know wuh I grinnin’ at in muh sleep! Y’mean, evuht’ing was really only a dream?

Tek care o’ yuhself
Yuh frien’ Babsie    

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