“Never let a problem to be solved become more important than the person to be loved.” – Barbara Johnson
Too many couples give up on their marriage today without a vigorous fight. Marriage is a worthwhile long-term investment that has perennial benefits for couples, their families and the society on a whole.
It is heartwarming when I see married couples who assertively work through challenging issues and come out winners and not whiners. They put up a good fight for marriage, their cherished treasure. The resilient couple will view marriage as a God-given mandate that should not be messed up.
The church where I worship, Ellerton Wesleyan, has a very vibrant marriage ministry. Many of us meet monthly to strengthen our marriages by discussing a variety of relevant subjects designed to promote growth and development. I like our theme: Marriage Is For Better, For Worse, For Keeps; it encourages and gives us focus every time we meet.
For us, seeing marriage as a life-long, worthwhile covenant gives us the passion to exercise every possible muscle to fight for our marriages.
I am aware of couples who give up on their marriages too easily and regrettably leave a trail of destruction behind. Often the issues, or should I say the symptoms, that are presented by the disputing couple are very childish and selfish in nature. The evidence of marriage collapse is often reflected in the growing number of divorces and emotionally scarred children.
Several social challenges are by-products of the demise of family life through marriage abandonment. Drug abuse, prostitution, alcoholism, attempted suicides and suicides, criminal behaviour, disrespect for authority, are all resulting social concerns. If couples who face challenges in marriage seek and adhere to good counsel and fight against the negative situations, they will reap the benefits of a rewarding relationship.
Many years ago, a husband told me that he felt like getting out of the relationship with his wife because the struggles they were going through were too much for him. He was visibly shaken when I asked him if he ever felt like getting out of his workplace when he had challenges with his boss. When he responded in the affirmative, I then asked why he had not gone ahead and abandoned his job but on the other hand was prepared to leave his wife and children because of challenges that were fixable.
I have seen this scenario play out in so many marriages. The spouse puts up with diverse difficulties at work but is eager to abandon the homes without seeking to resolve what I repeatedly observe as issues that can be corrected. Fortunately, the man to whom I made earlier reference eventually had a change of heart.
The high marital separation rate of church people continues to concern me. Too many churchgoers give up rather easily on their marital relationships when challenges arise.
Unfortunately, many church people are not always equipped to deal with certain issues because of numerous factors and a lack of proper premarital preparation is one of, if not the main culprit. Many of the church couples I have seen over the years with certain conflicts could have saved themselves a lot of trouble if they were properly prepared prior to their wedding day.
A Christian couple I led through the premarital preparation process told me that they were very grateful for the groundwork done because they were able to ride through certain marital storms with the use of the tools they received prior to marriage. Over the years, my work in family life counselling has brought me face to face with a high percentage of local, regional and international church people who refuse to fight for their families. Some of them were prepared to give up easily on their spouses but hold on to their friends, hobbies, careers and a number of other things, some of which carried greater challenges.
Tragically, both leaders and followers within the church fall within this category.
Admittedly, there are some situations that are so grave and life-threatening that wisdom would dictate that separation is imperative and should not be a matter for debate. I have had to say to some church husbands and wives that the expression “until death do us part” should not be interpreted to mean until one partner kills the other. For the most part, however, if both parties sit down together with a trained counsellor, and are willing to work toward the resolution of their issues, the trauma within the marriage could be greatly minimised if not eliminated.
God expects all couples who make a decision to enter the sacred covenant of marriage, to fight to keep it steady and strong. A greater responsibility rests on the shoulders of those who claim to be followers of Jesus Christ with knowledge of the biblical principles, to be good examples for all to see.
I know of church couples who had started the process for legal separation because of some protracted issues. They paused and decided to take a reflective look at their marriage and the presenting threatening issues. Today some of them have invigorated and progressive marriages.
I shake hands with Laura C. Schlessinger, who said: “When it comes to a long-term, committed relationship, love is not enough. There are issues of honour, respect, mutuality, sacrifice, acceptance, supportiveness, similarity of life values and morality, to name only a few. They, too, don’t come without struggling and striving, but, oh, are they worth it!”
When things are not going according to plan, don’t be in a rush to get out of your marriage relationship, but instead be in a rush to seek help, healing and harmony. Marriage is worth the fight.
• Reverend Haynesley Griffith is a marriage and family life consultant.
