Lover has another but abuses me

Wed, February 08, 2012 - 12:00 AM

Dear Christine,

I HAVE BEEN SEEING A MAN for some time now and for a while everything was alright. He is older than I am, but that is not a problem. The problem is he has a girlfriend and two children. I only got to know about this after our relationship had started.

While he does not have to answer to me (but to another woman), he wants to put a lot of “dos and “don’ts” on me. He tells me what I can and cannot do while he is still having a relationship with his girlfriend. He always wants me to tell him how many calls I got during his absence and whether I am at work or at home.

Even when I am at night studies, he wants to know who picked me up and where I went.

If I admit to getting a drop with someone, he beats me up and then calls me all sorts of dirty, degrading things. It hurts me very much.

We are always having heated arguments and it is always because I have been out or received calls. He tells me I have too many friends passing and “shouting” me when they are in my area, but Christine, he is still not leaving out his girlfriend.

Please advise me on what to do?

– A

Dear A,

What hold does this man have on you that he can treat you worse than a dog and yet you put up with this kind of treatment? Where is your pride and self-worth? Can’t you walk away from him?

This is not love.

It is a kind of sick obsession and he seems to be deriving pleasure from controlling your life. He will never stop treating you this way until you stand up to him and decide that enough is enough.

I also gather from your letter that you did not take time to find out more about this man before you started a relationship with him. If you had done that, you probably would not be in this mess that you’re in.

As I told another reader recently, when a man lays a hand on you and keeps doing so, you should report this type of abuse to the police. If you are sitting around waiting for him to change, you’ll probably be waiting for a lifetime.

Whether he continues to physically and verbally abuse you is entirely in your hands. Muster all the courage you can and ask God to help you say goodbye to him. In any case, he already has a girlfriend.

Who do you think you are to him?

It really should not take you long to figure that one out.

– CHRISTINE