Dear Christine,
Having read your column time and again I have decided to seek your opinion on a matter that concerns me.
I am 30 years old, married for five years and have four children. I had all my children before I was married but all are for my husband.
My husband and I have a very good relationship or at least that’s what I thought until two years ago. I did everything possible to please him. I would refuse to wear what he did not approve, or refuse to talk to friends he did not like.
It was frustrating but I learned to live with it until one day, I caught him on the phone telling a woman that he loved her and no one, not even I, could ever replace her.
Well, I was in shock. I did not know what to do but confronted him with what I heard.
He told me he did not mean it and it happened because he was drinking. I decided to forgive him and forget; only to find out later that he was telling her the same thing over and over again.
After I confronted him for the second time, I was given another set of promises. Well, I got tired of the tears and the hurt so I decided to try and lead my own life. I put my all into my work.
About nine months ago I met someone whom I had some difficulty opening up to. I did not want to get hurt again. We have a lot in common because he was also married but divorced. Gradually, I learned to relax with him and eventually, we made love.
Christine, I do not feel guilty nor do I feel I have cheated on my husband for we have not slept together for the past year and a half. We live in the same house but that’s it.
I have gone as far as speaking with a lawyer about a divorce but now my husband does not want to let go even though I have told him that because of his behaviour I no longer love him.
My lawyer has advised me not to move out of the house.
My friend would like to get married and has assured me that he will wait on me no matter how long it takes.
When my husband found out about the relationship, he hit the roof at first and then decided to play the nice guy. I am scared of telling my friend that my husband is dragging his feet on the divorce and I am afraid of losing him.
I really look forward to a loving and lasting marriage and since we’ve both come out of bad marriages, I feel we can achieve this.
Christine, I am confused at the moment and don’t know what to do. Should I press for a divorce or should I give my husband another chance?
Should I carry on my relationship with this man that I love or should I wait until my divorce comes through?
During this time we should be able to see if we would like to spend our life together.
– WT
Dear WT,
You are still married and the fact that you have not made a clean break yet suggests
to me that lurking somewhere in the back of your mind, is the thought that you would try saving your marriage if your husband stopped fooling around.
You also have to give some serious thought as to how well your lover will accept your four children. He is pleasured by you, but is he interested in taking on a family? These are things that must be considered.
If you decide to give your marriage another chance, you should stop seeing this other man. If you feel your husband will never change and your lover cares enough to take on the responsibility of your family, then I expect you’ll choose to go with him.
Here’s my take, however: If he is willing to wait “no matter how long it takes”, then perhaps both of you should cool things down a bit and wait until that divorce becomes final.
– CHRISTINE
