by B.C. Pires

WHY DO WE MAKE New Year's resolutions?

No one keeps them, or there would be no "plus-size" garments on sale, cigarettes would not be manufactured at all, no families would ever quarrel and KFC Worthing would be going out of business instead of breaking consumption records.

(There's another aimless pastime that could occupy you for your lifetime and still end in failure: spot the skinny person at the fast-food outlet; and why do morbidly obese individuals order a bucket of extra crispy, large fries, two donuts, slice of apple pie with ice cream and a diet drink? It's fizzy, but it's not sulphuric acid and won't melt away the fat.)

Every year we make and break New Year's resolutions and cheerily tell ourselves: "Well, maybe it'll work next year!" It won't and you don't need a PhD from MIT [Massachusetts Institute of Technology] to work out the equation: the same resolutions plus the same people equals the same firetrucking results.

Since 1985, for example, I've been resolving to be a better husband; that resolution has gone through three decades and several wives without sticking once; and, for two years now, I've been swearing to drop three kilos and sort my credit card slips at the end of every working day.

There are tricks to keeping New Year's resolutions, though. The most effective is to resolve not to do things you weren't going to do anyway. Non-smokers can swear to cut down; teetotallers can limit themselves to red wine; Catholic priests can resolve not to touch little boys inappropriately - though that one has been failing spectacularly for several generations in Ireland, causing dozens of priests to be reposted and as many as one to be (voluntarily) defrocked.

Alternatively, you can reframe your existing bad habits positively and pass them off as New Year's resolutions: the obese can commit to buffets only; ZR bus drivers can promise to get their passengers to the top of the traffic queue fast; gamblers can resolve to bet the children's school fees on rank outsiders.

Given, though, that no one is expected to keep them - which means all the social points are gained by simply making them - the most rewarding New Year's resolutions are ones that are impossible for anyone to keep. Don't scoff; politicians make similar promises every election; and there isn't a marriage in the land not based on the same class of vow.

So, since you will put on two kilos by Easter, get drunk and make a fool of yourself far too often and will not go to the gym at all (or perhaps will walk one Garrison Savannah, and then eat a tub of ice cream while watching Pilly At Large), you should make grandiose resolutions. Why fail small when you can fail spectacularly?

In 2010, then, resolve to do your bit for peace in the Middle East, world economic recovery and West Indies cricket. Swear to oppose legislation keeping Caribbean people apart.

Accept responsibility for your actions instead of passing good ones off on God and bad ones on the devil. And, every moment of every day, remember you will be dead in a blink, and have only this chance to make the lives of others better.

lBC Pires has resolved the crossword. Email your revolutions to him at bc@caribsurf.com