Nation e-Edition

I CONFESS - It’s natural to love a married man

Sat, October 08, 2011 - 12:00 AM

PEOPLE OFTEN HAVE a problem with things they do not understand, or what they think goes against God’s teachings.

And this is why so many people consider relationships with married men to be wrong.

I have a different opinion. Life is about choices and I believe people have a right to choose whatever they want to live theirs as long as they do not break the law.

I, for one, do not consider being involved with a married man as against the law. It may be considered immoral in God’s eyes, but I would prefer to be happy in the arms of someone I love and who treats me with respect than to be miserable in an abusive relationship with a man I can’t stand.

Those who wash their mouths on women who are involved with married men don’t seem to take such factors into consideration. Instead, they are always projecting marriage or relationships with a single man as a bed of roses, when in many cases it is far from that. I’ve been through that, so I know what I’m talking about.

Another guilt trip that people try to place on women involved with married men is that they are home wreckers. That is pure hogwash.

Roy C in his song Don’t Blame The Man told men years ago that “a man can’t get your love unless your woman gives it to him”. The same thing applies here. A woman can’t get between a couple unless the married man wants her to.

The next thing that vexes me in this issue is how people label those who get involved with married men as being weak and having low self-esteem. Again, that is foolishness. Many women get involved with married men because they just love the man.

This thing about low self-esteem issues affects all types of relationships, not just these incidents. I feel passionately about this subject because I chose to be involved with a married man.

This relationship works for me. I am confident about myself and about what I want in life; I am with him because I just love him.

We were together for 11 years. Both he and his wife are well known. When I see them together I speak and go on my way.

I don’t have a number for him at home because I do not call him there. That is the understanding between us.

He tells me when he’s getting home and what time his wife will be there, so that I would not call him on his cellphone.

From the time I committed myself to this relationship, I recognized that I would have to make sacrifices, these being loneliness and not having a child. Both are difficult to bear, but so far I have managed.

There are times when I would want to be with him and I cannot be. I must make my own fun, go out with friends alone and wait for him to come to me.

The fact that I know he is out with his wife hurts because though I know she must come first, I don’t like the idea of anyone else sharing him but me.

Despite this, I am not involved with anyone else sexually at present beside him.

Most women have a maternal instinct and I certainly do. But I would not be able to tell the child who his father is because of the complications it would cause and I don’t ever want that drama. I also can’t go around telling everybody that this person is my man as the less people know the better. So I carry my love for him where it matters most – in my heart.

When I first met him I was involved with someone, but that person did not treat me with respect.

As that relationship was going nowhere, I became involved with my married friend and have stayed with him ever since.

What makes our relationship special is our honesty with each other. I think things would go better for couples in general if they would simply tell the truth.

That is, if a man is married he should be honest and say so and not lie about it. Too many men do this and lead on women, and that is wrong.

Likewise, if a woman knows she would not be able to live with a married man, she should not get involved with him in the first place.

She should be honest with him and herself, and walk away from that situation as they will certainly hurt each other.

Lastly, the number of women involved with married men shows how widespread this practice is. I am not saying this is right, but the fact is that it has been going on for years.

There is a reason for that, and it is that people grow to love each other despite their ties to another person. It’s natural; it’s human.

I hope my contribution helps to shed some light on this subject and clears up many of the misunderstandings.


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Posted by Lucky Hall 3 years ago
You submitted this to "shed light", but you have only exposed bare foolishness. I'm embarrassed for you & don't blame the man at all, at all. You allow him to toy with you. You say you don't have self-esteem issues, but who wants to play second fiddle to someone? Do you feel that little of yourself that you cannot get your own man? Also, you made sacrifices too, for a man that DOES NOT want you. If he did, he would be with you and you alone. The funniest part is when you say that the most special things about your relationship is the honesty you guys have. HA!!! If he was honest, he would tell you" look I'm just using you, and when it is all said and done, I am going to be with my wife". Now that's honesty! Then you will be depressed and have a breakdown like all folks in your position usually do. Eleven years! I bet you did not even get a car, house, piece of land, vacation, designer clothing or anything out of him.....just an occasional bottle of Frutee, chefette value meal and second hand sex. Same foolishness, same story, different day :-D

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Posted by claire Battershield 3 years ago
Sis don't you think you are short changing yourself ? The fact that you have practically placed your life on hold for 11 years to be with him .You have conditioned yourself to him doing his duties as a husband while you "suck it up ".He is having his cake and eating it too .He has his wife and you while you are being faithful to someone's husband . All the talk about love and the many persons who place themselves in such relationships still does not cut it . You can have that child "guilt free" with your own husband too .The one you went to the church or magistrate court and made vows . Why place your life on hold when he is not ? It seem you care more about him than yourself .

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Posted by C Alex 3 years ago
The beautiful thing of living in today's world is our right to choose...and if that is what you want to do, no-one can tell you otherwise. I do agree with you when you said that your married partner was quite honest with you and YOU made your choice to become involved and therefore YOU have to live with the consequences. When the relationship no longer meets your needs and this can happen regardless the type of relationship move on as we ALL do.

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Posted by Pan Wallie 3 years ago
It is true we were given choices, but they are for the purpose of our greater good and are therefore supposed to be used wisely. How wise do you consider yourself when you are deviating from good choices by coveting what is not yours? I am a believer that you owe it to yourself to be happy and that heaven and hell are right here, right now, everyday. By your own admission, you are not enjoying the happiness you should, and I know it has to feel awful waiting for this man only on his terms. Eleven years of punishing yourself living with these restraints must be a hell of a thing. You can however make a better mental choice today. Besides, start loving yourself.

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Posted by c holder 3 years ago
Why try so hard to defend your affair if you think it's right?
And why be offended by your critics? You insist on your right to take leftovers from another woman.
Well they have the right to their opinions.
Also,you should realize that the terms "honesty" and "honest" do not apply to any part of your delusion.

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Posted by claire Battershield 3 years ago
This is what is wrong with our world today .We are quick to point out our rights and what is or is not our choice .However instead of using them for the greater good of ourselves and fellow man we mis use and abuse them .yes it is her choice his choice too but why choose something to your detriment ? Waiting for such a long time for what .She does not love herself .She is even denying herself starting a family .This man does not love her , he may love the attention and other things .He obviously is showing no signs of wanting to be with her alone after soooo long .One thing i give her kudos for is not wanting to bring a child into that miserable relationship .If that man is so honest he would leave her to carry on with her life and better yet should have never started .An honest thief ! .An honest liar !

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Posted by nikki brown 2 years, 12 months ago
"Ally McBeal: There's no sin in loving men. Only pain!"

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Posted by nikki brown 2 years, 12 months ago
She is a strong woman, as much as I love a man married, or with a girlfriend, I can't see me giving up my desires and dreams of a family and children or the simple things of just being, sleeping, living with him for love. Sorry I just felt I deserved the love I desire and no one was worth my settling for less, no one. But I don't judge her one little bit, things are not as black and white as we like to make out. If she can handle it, handle it until she can't then drop him or don't totally up to her, I will keep her in my prays.

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Posted by Carol-Ann Boucher 2 years, 12 months ago
Really! You are clearly, by your own admission, living a life that is unfulfilled! Unable to have the child you desire, can't see him when you want, loneliness. You have put your life on hold for 11 years. You are nothing more to him than another sex partner. You don't interfere in his life so all is well in his camp. The sacrifices you make in your life to fulfill his, is rewarded by his "kindness" to you. This is not an honest man. You don't even speak to him when you see him with his wife on the street, how honest is he?Knowing he's out with his wife hurts you. How happy is this arrangement making you? Do you truly know what you 'want in life'? Is this relationship really 'working for you'? Get a grip lady, your only fooling yourself.

  • 1
Posted by yogi Ni 2 years, 12 months ago
A very interesting article, this lady is on the ball. It would be nice if she would have a child for the married man. Seeing how they understand each other, I don't think she should go childless. Go ahead ans give fruit to your womb. I think you deserve to love your man and have a child for him.

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Posted by Karen Dyall 2 years, 12 months ago
Your neighbours, your friends, your family and people who are interested know just the life you are living. So it is not a secret! I would not be surprised if his wife did not know too! More amusing is that a man who has been creeping for eleven years probably cheat on you too. So if you think you are the first, the last or the only keep fooling yourself. When you get too old to entertain him bed and you will you will be replaced. You see sex is the foundation of your relationship.
You talk about God I really wonder if you ever studied how people lives turn out. We often fool ourselves that material things will make us happy but in the end they don't. For me I am glad I was raised poor and taught to work for the things I want. Now I am content with what I have an no one can call or treat me like a prostitute.
I would rather be broke and alone and walk with my head held high than be treated like a human garbage can. We now live in a society and a world where people no longer name evil and immortality as evil but rather try to explain them away. If no one else ever tells you what you do in this life comes back to you threefold, prepare for you blessings for being immoral! And when they come please re-read this article you wrote and accept it is just what you deserved!

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Posted by Sheila Payne 2 years, 12 months ago
I am sorry you do not see your self worth. You have just wasted 11 years you won't get back. But it's not too late to make a change. How would you feel it the situation was switched around. Don't be a fool any longer. Your heart and your mind are your 2 slowest healing organs. Why do you take so many chances with them. I hope you find yourself.

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