THERE ARE SOME THINGS that one does not talk about in public or polite company; what I want to deal with is such a topic. My hope, though, is that you recognize the importance of my message and allow me to speak.

What I am responding to are the letters that I have been seeing in Dear Christine in which women talk about being involved with married men. Most of these women say the same thing, but what most of them don’t know is that sometimes the wives actually encourage their husbands to have someone else.

Some wives do this because they recognize that their marriage would best survive if their husband was given that outlet. I know this because I am one of those wives, and after nearly 20 years together it shows such an arrangement can work.

I gave my husband my blessing to be with someone else because I recognized it was better to do that and keep our relationship honest, than have him unhappy and dissatisfied. The reason I did this is the thing no one talks about in public or polite company – painful sex.

My husband’s member is very large and it was painful to cope with it. We came up in the church, so we did not have intercourse until a few months before our marriage. I bled so much then that we never did it again until after we wed. And on my wedding night I was in pure agony too.

As a young married woman I endured the pain, because I saw it as my duty – “for better or for worse” and all of that. I consulted with my doctor and she explained that I should be thoroughly relaxed and aroused before I started, and if need be, use a lubricant to help. Most important would be to start slow before getting vigorous. That advice did help, but it was still painful.

Bold decision

After about three years of this discomfort, immediately after our child was born, I took a bold  decision. I told my husband I preferred not to take him on a regular basis, and that he had my permission to go with someone else.

I just had four conditions – 1. he used a condom at all times; 2. he was home by 2 a.m. so when our child woke early in the morning he would be there; 3. that he did not get involved with any bombastic person who would call and try to make my life miserable, and; 4. he would not spend any more than $400 a month, given our mortgage and other expenses.

Of course, my husband was shocked that I would even think of something like that. But I told him that I knew he was not enjoying himself as much as he would have liked because I always asked him to ease up when he got fully into his stride.

Being the loving man that he is, he told me it was not a good idea and simply refused to talk about it. Instead, he promised to be more gentle and to take his time so he would not hurt me. So said, so done, but when he really got going his size was still difficult to cope with.

After a couple of months, he finally admitted that he was feeling frustrated. He loved me but wanted to enjoy his sex life more. So he accepted my suggestion and promised to keep me informed.

Relieved

To be honest, when he told me that, though I was relieved, I was scared. I felt that way because I wondered if he met someone whom he could enjoy without holding himself back in anyway, then he may leave me for her. I was therefore determined that I would treat him better than I already did to make sure he always yearned for me, though his member was into someone else.

After a while my husband started talking to a young woman, but that didn’t work out. She had one encounter with him and that was enough for her. But she talked about his size and sure enough a friend of hers wanted his blessing. That one worked out for quite a few months, but my husband ended it when he realized she wanted a closer relationship. He was always uncomfortable with the idea, as he felt it was just wrong to do.

 He never went with another woman again.

That was more than ten years ago. Today, my husband is so gentle and patient with me that these days intercourse is not as painful an experience. He understands my body and works with me so I would not be too uncomfortable. Most important, our relationship is rock solid and still as loving as we were when we first wed.

The point I’m making is that women who boast about having married men need to be honest and say why the men want them. A lot of times, they are just sex toys. And the wives don’t mind this because their husbands are so busy otherwise that they don’t bother them.    

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