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I am a good woman, but I can’t find a decent man that I can marry. It seems every man I meet has issues. He either has children with one or more woman or is involved with one or more women. Or, he goes to church and praises God, but is really a homosexual fighting his feelings to be with another man. The last one I met and started going out with before I realized his vice took the cake, though. His liking for pornography warped his whole attitude towards women. This guy was always mannerly and attentive. He always complimented my looks, like my hairstyle, how my face was made up, how my eyeliner compliments my eyes or the lipstick my outfit and accessories. He noticed how my body looked in my clothes, how my shoes and my attire suited my personality and so on. These things attracted me to him because I had never met a man who said such things in an inoffensive tone or non-suggestive manner. He always seemed sincere. What struck me, too, was that when my outfit was not as well coordinated as it should have been, he would tell me in such a way that I did not feel humiliated. His words were so gentle that you wanted to be in his company. He was, well, irresistible. He was different and his attentiveness showed a sensitivity to my feelings I had never experienced from a man. As I had gone out with a guy who I later found out liked men more than I did, I initially felt this guy was probably gay too. So I asked him upfront, and he said no. Of course, I did not believe him, but decided to monitor his behaviour. Well, for the four months or so that we were seeing each other before I committed myself to a relationship with him, I never caught him lying, and neither was he gay or lewd. He used to go work, return home and watch movies – that was clearly his favourite pastime. It was only after we became involved that I realized that apart from his wide selection of movies, he had a large number of porno films. I found this out purely by accident. I went to his wardrobe to hang up two pants I had ironed for him. One fell and when I stooped to pick it up I saw this box marked “The Best Of The Best” with drawings of smiling faces on it. Curious, I opened it. The box contained DVDs and videos in cases with naked women on the covers. So I confronted him about it. Instead of answering, he accused me of snooping around, saying also that he thought I was different and I had shattered his belief in me. I felt bad because I had disappointed a man who had only shown me affection. I cried, then apologized to him and explained how I came to see them. He said they belonged to his brother who he had told me once lived there with him before moving to live at his girlfriend. Feeling hurt and overcome with emotion, I fell into his arms and for the first time we made love. I had promised myself that I would not have done that yet as I wanted to make sure he was “the one”. But feeling as I did, I could not help myself. After that, we were intimate each day I visited him. And the more intercourse we had, the more I sensed that he was not truthful about those porn movies. The first clue was how much talking he did during sex and his desire for me to answer him and keep noise as an expression of my enjoyment and approval of his actions. Then there was his preoccupation with oral sex. He demanded it and was disappointed, to put it mildly, when I refused. In fact, he got so angry one night at another refusal that he told me if I was not willing to do that, he could not be sure I was his soulmate. That statement stopped me cold in my tracks. I asked him whether he wanted a decent and trustworthy partner or someone who was just about sex. He refused to answer at first, but when I got up to dress and leave, he apologized. I still left his house because his pause told me that he wanted me for sex – full stop. The following day I called and told him I needed to re-examine our relationship as it had gotten out of hand, with sex occurring before we got to properly know each other – and I never wanted that. He abruptly interrupted me and said I was not the one for him, that I was boring in bed and should go and find an old man or a Christian. Then he hung up. I was devastated. I called him back but he would not answer the phone. That made me cry my eyes out. Later that night I called him and when he answered I could hear people making noises in the background as if they were having sex. He was obviously watching a blue movie. I asked him if his brother was there, or if it was he watching one of those movies. He told me the movies were his and he was enjoying himself unlike when he was with me. That last put-down did it for me. I was through with him. Of course, I survived him. But what I learnt was that I should never compromise my stand on “no sex” in a relationship until I am ready, because men often see that as the glue between a couple when it isn’t. For women, sex is not everything – but for men, it is.