Friday, March 29, 2024

SECRETS CORNER: Love triangle

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ALL OF US WOULD LIKE someone special in our lives – that person who would love us for who we are.
After cultivating such a bond, it is impossible to just walk away from that relationship without losing at least a small piece of ourselves.
It is even more difficult to cope with that loss when the person we regard as “the one” cannot be with us because they are with someone else.
This week’s question – What should you do if you’re attracted to someone you can never be with, and each relationship you have attempted since meeting this person you keep comparing them to that individual, and they never measure up? – was sent in by a reader who is married and was involved with a man who is married to someone else.
Their feelings for each other were deepened by a brief, “passionate” intimate encounter, which they both agreed was morally wrong. She was single at the time, but he was married.
After seven years and three partners, she got married; and today they both still attend the same church, their spouses are good friends, and the families visit each other’s home.
Her query sought advice on how to cope with her feelings as she dares not discuss this with anyone. She still feels the same way about her former lover and, according to her, he has expressed similar feelings for her. But she does not want to get involved with him again, and though she keeps praying for answers on this, her feelings to be with him again are intensifying.
The calls we received similarly related to loving someone but being unable to be with that individual as she was with another person, and thereafter always finding yourself – sometimes consciously, but mostly subconsciously – comparing your new love with your ideal.
When challenged on the pointlessness of dwelling on ‘what if’ rather than focusing on reality, each caller suggested that in life one has only one soulmate, and when you lose that person you never quite achieve the happiness most of us seek.
A few even quoted the famous lines from Alfred Lord Tennyson’s poem In Memoriam: ” ‘Tis better to have love and lost than never to have loved at all.”
We look at this matter from a different perspective.
People tend to want most what they should not, or cannot, have. And the more it is dangled in front of them, the more they desire it.
Yes, we all want to be loved. And yes, many of us were involved with someone who rocked our world so much that we think of them whenever we feel good or want to feel good. After all, memories – the good and the bad – are those things that will always be with us.
However, to live our lives with one person while always cherishing another is just plain crazy. By doing that, you never fully appreciate who you are with and tend not to explore the full possibilities of that relationship.
Also, you cheat yourself out of finding true love and happiness by always comparing what you have to what you had. What’s the point in that?
What you have is either worth it, or it is not. If it is not, then you are wasting your time and should move on. If you think it is worthwhile, then you should seek to develop that relationship to the fullest to see if it satisfies your desires.
Another point to consider is lust. We tend to lust after those we would like in our lives, and when the times together were fun and the sex great, we tend to put them on a pedestal – they become our benchmark.
We then call what we’re feeling love, but it is our innermost urges at work more than anything else.
The reality is that all human beings are special in their own way and deserve to be treated so. They are things that they will do that we may dislike, and vice versa. But you are together, so every opportunity should be taken to develop that relationship without burdening it with comparisons with former lovers. It is not fair to either partner when this happens. Life is too short to be unhappy!
The following are edited versions of responses:
* “Sometimes the grass not only looks greener on the other side, it actually tastes and feels better too. It’s at its most desirous when it does not belong to you, though, and that is the trap . . . When you’re in a situation like this, redouble your efforts to build a sounder relationship with your partner.”
* “There is someone for everyone in this world, but if the someone you want is really with someone else, that doesn’t mean you can’t find those qualities you want in another person.”
* “There is the one you love and the one who loves you. Even if you cannot be with the person you love, you may find what you’re seeking in the person who loves you.”

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