ONE TIME WHEN PEOPLE hear news ’bout certain things, be it wrong or right, good or evil, true or lie; when you ask dem where duh hear it or get it from, they used tuh tell you dat “Duh” say this or “Duh” say dat or the other.
My response tuh this kinda gossip used tuh always be: who de France is “Duh”?
Well, dat was an old-time thing, but nuhbody doan talk bout “Duh” saying nutten nowadays. All o’ dat now gone through the eddoes and is now obsolete. Every kinda funny and strange information has now gone digital and new technology has emerged.
“Duh” like he dead ’cause all the information does be coming from off the Internet, Twitter, Facebook, from a text dat somebody you know send, or ya does hear bout somebody BB-ing it tuh somebody.
It is too funny, hear? Now listen tuh this here. The other night around a quarter tuh eleven, I had just brushed my teeth and was about tuh get ready fuh bed when my phone rang. Hear me: who the France dah body is calling me this kinda time o’ the night; dem cahn sleep?
Anyway, I pick up the phone and it was my sister who doan care wha’ time um is. As long as she got something pressing tuh tell ya, she gine call ya and tell ya. Dat is the one after me.
Be careful
Anyway, she tell me dat I have tuh be careful cause she get some news dat duh got some people, men and women, walking ’bout and coming up tuh ya place, telling ya duh want a drink o’ water and when you go inside tuh give dem, duh sticking ya up and robbing ya.
She went on tuh say dat duh got women in the do too. Now dem does come tuh ya place in a huff and a puff playing dem talking bout how they have tuh use the bathroom real bad and when you let dem in, up steps a man and the two o’ dem would bong in you place and rob you outta evahthing, even wha’ you ain’t got.
Well, I had tuh tell her dat I hope nuhbody doan come round my place playing dem trying dem kinda igrant pranks pon me ’cause fuh one, when it come tuh feeling thirsty and wanting a glass o’ water, he would have tuh die of thirst right there by the side or front o’ my house.
How come all of a sudden you get suh thirsty right in front o’ my house? Wha’ I doan sell drinks, I aint nuh restaurant nor nuh watering hole fuh the travelling public.
The next thing I ask my sister is this: why would he find he self at my place fuh something tuh quench he thirst? Look how many houses, shops and watering holes he would have tuh pass before he get tuh mine. I cahn remember putting up nuh sign saying, “Thirsty? Come here fuh water!”
Food everywhere
The other thing is this, ya doan have tuh look far fuh anything tuh eat or drink nowadays. Wherevah ya turn and pon evah street corner you could find somewhere selling something or the other. If it isn’t coconut vendors, it is the people who selling outta duh vans and evah gas station does got a li’l mini mart attached tuh it and selling any and evathing ya could think ’bout, from the very water he asking for tuh the hardest liquor.
And talk ’bout the woman who my sister say does come and say she want tuh use my bathroom. Not my bathroom? Wha’ I nevah see she yet. She aint live up in here so why would she pass all kinda places tuh come up tuh my door asking tuh use my bathroom facilities?
I ain’t gine tell you no lie, dat might’ve happened one time, a long long time ago but not today. She gine have tuh put wha’ evah it is right there or find some kinda bush tuh go behind.
As if dah ain’t bad enough, the next day my next-door neighbour called me and told me dat somebody BB her and gave her this information dat duh got four men coming round saying dat dem from the Water Authority introducing shower-fitting taps tuh save water tuh get in at you.
Energy-saving
She went on tuh say dat another set coming, saying dat dem from the Light & Power coming at you and introducing energy-saving light fittings.
Well, ya know me, I have a plaster fuh evah sore. I had tuh tell she dat first of all, the water people does drive ’bout in a green van, big or small, wid the water drops pon it and pon duh shirts, so I know who dem is. The other thing is dat I just get my water bill and I dint understand it so I had tuh call up there and I ask dem some o’ all kinds o’ questions and not once did they tell me anything ’bout nuh water-saving shower-fitting taps.
As fuh the Light & Power people and the energy-saving light fittings, I allow her tuh know dat evah supermarket, hardware store and corner shop does sell energy-saving bulbs and every single bulb socket in my house got in a energy-saving bulb from the time duh come out. And far from saving anything, my bill double.
So if duh come, wherevah duh come from, I ain’t gine have tuh email dem, BB dem, Twitter dem, guh pon the Internet or Facebook tuh leh dem know nutten. All I would tell dem, through my window tuh duh face, is: “Leff muh place, please.”
• Mavis Beckles was born and raised in The Orleans. She has an opinion on everything.
