DEAR CHRISTINE: Boyfriend doesn't know what he wants

beadottin, beadottin@nationnews.com

Added 07 November 2012

dearchristine

Dear Christine, I have been with my boyfriend about two and a half years. We were living together for about one year but I moved out after he kept saying, every time we had a disagreement, that he wanted his space and wanted to move on. Each time after saying this he would tell me he never meant it. However, I heard it so often that I got my own apartment. We still see each other, however; he sleeps over at my place and I at his place most nights. I love him and I really want this relationship to work. I thought that living apart and taking things slowly would help, but it hasn’t. My boyfriend is really insecure and now that I have moved out things are worse. He accuses me of everything. Sometimes the way he talks to me sounds as though he is talking to some whore on the street. I just do not understand what is going on with him. I tell him everything. I do not hide anything from him. He is able to come over at my place whenever he wants to. I go from work to home, from home to his place and I run my errands. I have introduced him to all my closest friends and I am always honest with him. The thing is this: I think that I am too honest because he does not seem to appreciate my efforts. We have talked about having children, settling down and possibly getting married. He says he wants children, then he changes his mind and he no longer wants them. He says he does not want things to turn out the way they did with his first child’s mother. He started hinting to me about me moving back in. However, when I said it was something we really needed to discuss to make sure we were on the same page, he changed his mind. Now he seems to be avoiding the subject altogether. I do not understand why he is playing with my emotions. One minute it is “yes”, then the next, it’s “no”. I try so hard. I try to be patient and to reassure him so many times that I love him. He is a great guy most of the time, but I am so frustrated about the fact that he keeps playing with my feelings and does not seem to know what he wants. I am so ready to give up and just divert my energy to making my life better and studying than to be worrying about him not being there for me when I need him. He is so indecisive. Can you help? Thanks in advance. ­ – R Dear R, You have not mentioned your age or that of your friend [to help me determine what he could possibly be facing] but from what you have written you two are not on the same page at all. You seem to be trying too hard and he is taking advantage of that. Why must you try so hard to make things work? Yes, he is indecisive, very controlling and insecure. If you are looking for a loving, committed relationship with this man [judging from all you have written], let me tell you, you won’t find it. He has not gotten over his past hurts and this is putting significant stress on you and the relationship. I also believe the reason why he wants to control you to the extent that he is currently doing is because of his past relationship as well. Children are out of the question for both of you at this point. You cannot afford to bring a child into such a tense and insecure environment. I suggest that you speak to him about getting professional counselling. Maybe you’ll discover all the reasons why he is the way he is and help him to work through his insecurities. If he refuses counselling, then you should call it quits and divert your energy into those studies while seeking a much happier life for yourself. You sound very stressed and this could affect your health in a big way. Stop making so many sacrifices for him and start living your life for you. –  CHRISTINE

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