I AM not writing to you about any personal problem but I am writing on behalf of a friend whom I believe needs some advice. In fact, I am hoping that the advice you give me will help her to see the light.
My friend has been married for the past two years and has a one-year-old child for her husband. She also has a six-year-old child with a former lover. This man left her when the child was a year old to work overseas on a contract basis.
When he left he promised to marry her on his return. Well, this was cheap talk. He went on the contract, returned to the island for three weeks, then left the island again on a renewed contract. By then she had given birth to his child.
When she married two years ago, there was a period of time when she had not heard anything from him for four years.
Anyhow, to cut a long story short, her first child’s dad came back to the island four months ago and started to look her up. By now, as I would have stated, she was married with her second child.
He begged and pleaded with her to meet with him and even though I told her she should not meet with him unless her husband was present, she met with him alone anyway.
I do not know everything he told her, but she walked away from that meeting with the stupid belief that she should have stayed single; that she made a mistake when she got married and that this was the man she truly loved. She also told me he wanted to be part of his child’s life and assist with supporting the child.
As you would imagine, she started meeting him secretly, not for any kind of sexual gratification, but merely to hang out and “touch base”, as she said to me.
Well, for the past ten weeks or so of telling her all kinds of sweet words, she has now discovered that the man is married and has been married for the past three years.
She is so devastated that she is finding it hard to concentrate. Why in the world did she
decide to let him back into her life? I have absolutely no idea.
I guess the good thing about this is that she never once cheated on her husband even though she faced the temptation of doing so.
I have told her to release this man totally and get him out of her life. He was not there for her when she got pregnant for him and it is crystal clear to me that he only started to come around because he thought she would fall for his sweet talk.
I have talked to my friend and asked her to forget him altogether, especially since her husband is kind to her, takes care of her, loves her a lot and has even taken on the responsibility of being a dad to this other man’s child.
Why can’t she realise that the advice I am giving her is correct? What do you think about this situation?
– A FRIEND
Dear A Friend,
I can see that you mean well and that you have your friend’s best interest at heart. The advice you’ve given her sounds relevant and correct, but there is one person you’ve not given a whole lot of thought to; that is the six-year-old child.
Although this man did not play a part in this child’s life when he or she was much younger, that six-year-old now knows who the real daddy is. Don’t you think that child deserves the right to bond with its biological father despite all that would have transpired previously? Honestly, I think the child does.
Your friend must get over her most recent emotional scars. Those are what she has to deal with right now. Don’t be too harsh on her. Give her time to get over this “disappointment” – if you can call it that.
If this man wants to play his part as a dad, that’s fine. However, she must be honest and open with her husband about everything that is taking place. Together they must have the final say about any arrangements concerning the child.