I FELT SOMETHING IN MY CHEST LIKE A LUMP AS IF I WAS GRIEVING FOR SOMEONE WHO HAD DIED
COVID-19 has rocked the whole world, affecting people from all walks of life. It is no respecter of persons regardless of race, status or age. No one expected a disease like this to hit our country, especially one so small in the Caribbean.
When COVID affected China I was not really worried because it seemed so far away, but when it spread to the USA and the UK, I realised it was right on our doorsteps. In March 2020, we were faced with our first COVID case and I still wasn’t too worried because it seemed to only affect the aged and vulnerable.
Looking at the USA and the UK and their staggering COVID cases as well as death proved to me that this was a very serious illness. As a person with a mental illness it affected me mentally. I would wake up during the night or as soon as my feet hit the floor on mornings with an overwhelming feeling of sadness.
I felt something in my chest like a lump as if I was grieving for someone who had died. I tried to submerge myself with chores, music, prayers and reading the Bible more.
I wanted to listen to all the press conferences and to hear news from friends who were keeping up with international news, yet every broadcast sent me into deeper depression. I felt as if someone had put me in a hole and covered me up with mould while still alive as I struggled to breathe. No one understood what I was going through and at first I didn’t understand myself what I was experiencing.
From our first death to our first lockdown I tried to cope. It was difficult, but I tried. Can you understand how I felt when a loved one passed and I couldn’t attend the funeral because of the health protocols? Or to the constant fear of being arrested for not wearing a mask correctly when it could have slipped down unintentionally? I watched every conference; I listened to the czar, the medical team and the prime minister as they pleaded with us to stay safe.
After Christmas, my beloved country was faced with so many new COVID cases and recently more deaths. I felt like I couldn’t cope with this news and I thought of others like myself with a mental illness and others who were stressed due to the COVID pandemic. It is difficult to stay above this disease; it wears you down and drags you under. I told myself, “I can’t let this monster, wherever it came from, negatively affect me.” I really had to use some coping mechanisms.
I went back to my potted plants and started to care for them. I even put a house plant in my bedroom.
I admired the flowers, especially the orchids and poinsettias in bloom. I took out my notebook and finished a poem which I had started. I did things to lift my spirits. My mom always encouraged me to sing as she said singing takes away negative thoughts.
I have to think positively and surround myself with positive persons. I dusted off the sewing machine and found little sewing projects to do, like making a cover for the toilet paper or a bag for the clothes pegs. I have rejoined the library and I borrowed inspirational books.
I have also rekindled relationships and worship with others. I started a journal on my thoughts on COVID-19. These past days after making myself busy, I have found it easier to cope. I no longer get up at night to check to see if my mom is still breathing, neither go asleep with the fear that I wouldn’t wake up next day. I have this belief that God knows best and I have to have faith and trust in Him that this too shall pass.
This article is a personal account of someone who was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder and borderline personality disorder, and who prefers to remain anonymous.
