YUH GAWH BE KIDDIN’: Where are my presents?
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CHRISTMAS DONE and it is back to our daily rituals of work, sleep, eat, repeat.
This past holiday I made sure to enjoy it as though it could be my last ’cause the older we become the only gifts that we really get are the moments spent with loved ones. ’Cause de tables turn now; instead of getting gifts we are now the ones buying the gifts.
Study it: when yuh was young-er yuh uses to get what? Bare toys, everybody and dem grandmudda uses to go out dem way to buy you a gift.
It was so bad that yuh parents use to have to tell dem don’t buy no more toys. So this now meant that the next step from here was books ’cause yuh getting older now and this is when yuh is ’bout eight and yuh starting to prepare fuh de big exam.
After de book stage is de postcard with money stage, and even though yuh may miss the days when you got a million gifts, there is nothing like opening a postcard and seeing a $50 bill falling gracefully and melodically to the floor (insert slow romantic music and slow motion here).
This practice will continue until you go from ten postcards a year to a “how yuh spend yuh Christmas?” That is the ting that does really confuse me, yuh know, ’cause when yuh young you don’t really need cash.
It is only when yuh older and yuh start getting responsibilities that yuh could do wit de li’l $50, better yet just pay one ah muh bills.
What is even harder is when yuh born on a lovely day like Christmas Eve because all your life dem does set you up by getting you accustomed to having two gifts. Sabotage, I tell you! But when you get older dem does want to give you one.
One year I get two gifts and I was as shocked as Trump when he won de election. The gift that I opened on the 24th was a watch and the gift that I opened on the 25th was the watch battery.
If you doubt me, ask me. All I coulda do was laugh but that time I cruel now ’cause dis ting serious. Another year now I get a pair of eye glass frames fuh my birthday and then the lens fuh Christmas. I feel like it is birthdayism when us Christmas Eve babies aren’t treated the same. We have rights too, yuh know.
Anyhow, it is a new year, so look out fuh de “new year, new me posts”. But fuh me it is new year, new tings to laugh at!
I am Toni-Ann “Acka” Johnson. Love, peace and Mazola Corn Oil.
• Toni Johnson is an actress versed in the area of comedy. Email: firstname.lastname@example.org