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YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE wuh happen to me just de other day. Wunnuh was ever someplace just catching a vibes and then all of a sudden de mood just change and you had to leave? Well, this happen to me.
Picture it, Sicily 1985. I did out wit my friends, everybody laughing and having a ball and yuh know I doing de most, as de young people does say, I got everybody laughing and not a soul ain’t thinking about going home ’cause there was no work the next day.
Then all of a sudden, suddenly, just so, I start to feel an eruption within my core that was so intense it made life stand still, a bubbling of sorts.
This thing mek me stop moving and breathing. I mean everybody around me was talking and laughing and my senses became heightened, horror music started to play in the background and I started seeing the world through a fisheye lens.
That time now, I can’t just go to the bathroom cause dem ain’t had none and I can’t just up and leave ’cause I wasn’t the body driving. So check me now trying to drop hints and try to end the lime so that I can leave.
I start asking bout de time and pointing out the fact that where we were wasn’t safe and not a soul ain’t tekking me on. The pains came in intervals like contractions and if I wasn’t careful, I would’ve given birth right there and then. If you doubt me ask me.
But as luck would have it, the bowel gods smiled on me and my ride was ready to leave. I rush and get in de car not knowing that I was going from the frying pan into the fire.
Listen, de man drop in almost every transitory inconvenience (pothole, for those of you in the slow section) and with every drop it was taking me closer and closer to the throne of grace upon which I had an abundance of offering to willingly give.
I brek out in a cold sweat and start to do my Lamaze exercises wit my eyes closed tight while reciting the Lord’s Prayer. Check me now in de front seat going “he, he, who”. Look, by the time we reached home, all of my stomach muscles and my bottom were sore from contracting so as to stop the embarrassment.
I would never wish dis even on my worst enemy. What is the lesson learned, you ask? Never in de history of neverdom should you eat a roti and drink milk.
I am Toni-Ann “Acka” Johnson. Love, peace and Mazola Corn Oil.
• Toni Johnson is an actress versed in the area of comedy. Email: firstname.lastname@example.org