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    December 16

  • 06:55 AM

YUH GAWH BE KIDDIN': Mortal kombat with centipede

TONI-ANN JOHNSON,

Added 31 March 2017

bloc-yuh-gawh-be

PICTURE IT, Sicily 1682, the night was quiet, warm air blew across the room coaxing eyes to close and jaws to drop open slightly as sleep took over.

As I slept, I felt my body release into the mattress and fully give into the slumber that so openly called to me. Then suddenly I jump out of my sleep, but why?

Immediately I begin to feel a pain in my head, I rub it and say… “Maybe it is just a pimple or an ingrown hair. After all it just get cut.” But as the pain persisted something said to me, “Pssst, check under your pillows.”

Now, when I get up and shake de pillows, who could I find but a long 40-leg visitor curled up neatly. Somebody please explanation to me who send he. I was peaceful in my sleep – yuh know, one ah dem ones where you ain’t sure what yuh dreaming ’bout but all you know is that it real peaceful?

This meant war! I drag off all the pillows and look fuh de nearest shoe. When I hit he de first time it ain’t do he nutten. All he do was look at me and stupse like if he was mad that I wake he up. Pause, wuh anybody would feel I in at he. If you doubt me ask me.

My man start to move now and immediately my heart rate went up, ’cause you know full well that everybody does be gangster till the insects start to move. I suh, ‘Nah boy, COME HERE! (in my Mortal Kombat voice). I lick he off de bed. It was time for a showdown.

He land on de floor and we square off. He mek a move to the right and I ring a lash in he. De man shake it off and mek a move to de left. That time now I feel my power bar start to full up and a combo was on the horizon. When I unleash de power, I hit he wit a 20-hit combo that I swear even de neighbours hear.

Flawless victory! When I done I hold up, wipe de sweat off of my face and look down at he. What was once a long centipede was now a black smudge on the floor.

I went to move he but I tell myself, “Don’t do that, leff he dey to serve as a warning for all others who dear to challenge me, the fearless!”

After that I took everything off of the bed, left all the lights on and refuse to go back to sleep.

 

• Toni Johnson is an actress versed in the area of comedy.
Email: toniann.johnson@gmail.com

 

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