THE OTHER DAY I WAS reverted back – note de redundancy – to being a child of about eight years old. I did was just leff de gym and as a result this meant that I had also just finish drinking a full litre of water.
Anyway, I got into the car now and as I pull out I felt my bladder suddenly full up. So I say to myself, “Self, go back or nah?” and myself said to me with the confidence of a Spartan warrior, “Go forth and travel, you got this”.
As I am driving now the pressure start to build up and I began shaking my legs to distract my mind. That din work, so now I start to slow down my breathing because I saw on one of the medical TV series that it might help slow down the processes in my body so my thinking was that it would slow down de pressure in my bladder. I don’t know if this thing actually work or if my mind made me feel like it did but my body now started to relax and it wasn’t so bad.
This, however, was short-lived because when I swung off the highway and began driving on the stretch of road out there by the old Ocean Park, the car start to drop in every pothole there was and the pressure was now worse than before. Side note: de people gine ever fix dat road or de Queen gotta come and drive out there first?
Moving on . . . . By the time I reached the roundabout I was in a serious cold sweat and seeing doubles. Ting, if you doubt me, ask me, but thankfully I manage to regain control. For the rest of the ride I was good, no issues at all, but as I turn into the driveway, whatever it was that was controlling the pressure just give way and I had to hop out the car and start doing the “hot ground” dance.
You know when yuh hopping from one foot to de next just so yuh don’t embarrass yuhself. I now trying to balance my gym bag, computer, cellphone, protein powder and water bottle, all while trying to find de key to open de door.
Mind you, this is something I would normally be able to do with my eyes closed. After the 50th try I finally got in, drop everything and rush straight to the bathroom barely mekkin it. This ain’t happen since primary school. Look, anytime your body tells you something, listen – if not, it will make you pay.
• Toni Johnson is an actress versed in the area of comedy. Email: firstname.lastname@example.org