Last Updated: Friday, November 20, 2009 : 5:57 PM
Home / News _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
News
Sleeping with the enemy
Published on: 9/27/2009.
by MELISSA ROLLOCK
THREE WOMEN. All married. All of them abused by the men who promised to love, honour and cherish them for the rest of their lives.
Something went terribly wrong between the church and divorce court for these women who all believed they were marrying their respective Prince Charmings.
But somewhere along the way, these Prince Charmings turned into frogs.
For Maria, there was certainly no "happily ever after".
She was married for six years to the father of her first child. He was her first boyfriend and first love when she met him as an inexperienced 16-year-old.
Five years later, they tied the knot despite a few red flags that went up during their courtship.
On two separate occasions, her partner became aggressive, ripping a chain from around her neck in one instance and putting her in an armlock in another.
Still, blinded by love and moved by his promises of "it will never happen again", Maria went ahead with the wedding.
It was a decision she lived to regret.
The physical and emotional abuse continued and escalated when he had an extra-marital affair.
Things further deteriorated when Maria got a job.
"I think the abuse came about because he wanted to get out of the marriage. Also, when I started to work, I started to see the change.
"He would say that I didn't want him any more. I remember we went to the bank and he saw how much I worked for and that was a problem. He felt threatened," said Maria, who is in a supervisory position.
This perceived threat made him more aggressive.
Slapped and choked
"He would press down on my neck and shoulders until he subdued me. He would slap me in my face. At one point, I was lying down and he put his knees in my chest and choked me.
"Our baby was in the room so I tried to tell him while he was choking me that the baby was there, but it was like he didn't even hear me. It was at that point that I decided I had to get out," she told the SUNDAY SUN.
Maria kept the abuse silent not telling anyone, not even her mother.
She was still holding on to a dead dream of having a happy marriage. And, because she grew up in the church, she was reluctant to get a divorce.
The abuse continued until one day when her ex acted up and put her in a headlock. Maria filed for a restraining order the next day, but knew she had to get out of the house before he found out about it.
She waited until he was out of the house, packed up her things and moved into a friend's home with her daughter.
As she suspected, he became incensed when he realised she had left.
"He made threats; so I got scared and went to the police. He even went as far as to report me and my daughter as missing to the police," she said.
But the response Maria received when she turned to the police for help left much to be desired.
"I went to the police and a sergeant told me, 'You know, you don't need a man like that' and proceeded to give me his cellphone number and all the numbers I could reach him at if I had a problem.
"When my ex-husband reported us missing, I got a call from the police officer who wanted to know where I was. Somehow I did not trust him. So I told him I could not put my life on the line and I was not going to tell him my location.
"I was due in court for the restraining order the next day. So I told him he could find me there, but he wasn't for that. I told him to go ahead and put out the missing persons notice
and by the next day when I appeared in court, they could retract it saying we had been found.
"You don't know it was a good thing I didn't tell that officer my location. I later found out that I did a wise thing because I was told my husband was right there with the officer in the police station," she recalled.
Maria made a startling discovery towards the end of the marriage.
"I found out that my ex-husband was abusive in the past. Some people might ask why I stayed with him, but you don't just turn off love.
"He did not recognise at the time that he had a problem. He always blamed me. He basically told me it was me who made him hit me. He knew I would tolerate it because I wanted to make the marriage work," she said.
Mara has since moved on with her life and is currently in another relationship. As can be expected, she is cautious and is taking things slowly. In the back of her mind, she will always wonder if her partner is showing all of his cards, but knows she can't let her past experience dictate her future.
As for her experience with the one police sergeant, that hasn't tainted her view either of the Royal Barbados Police Force.
"The problem is that in our society, we expect a man to beat a woman. So just because you go in the Police Force or the legal system, it doesn't mean your mindset will change.
"Even with the restraining order, the officers in the court asked me if I was sure I wanted to go through with it because 'we' usually went back with the men.
"I must point out that not all police officers are like the one I encountered. Some were very empathetic and caring towards me and very professional," she said.
While some women stay to see if their abuser will change, others like Alison [an alias] get out as soon as they can. She and her now ex-husband were both in the church and courted for about four years before getting married. However, that marriage only lasted a year after the physical abuse became too much for Alison.
Her ex choked her one week before they were supposed to get married during an argument. But he apologised and the wedding plans were in place; so they went ahead and got married.
The physical abuse continued after they said their "I dos". He became controlling and didn't even want her to visit her family or have anything to do with them.
"When she defied him by reaching out to her family, he became aggressive and violent.
"He would always tell me it was me who provoked him; it was me who made him act the way he did. And you know what? I started to believe him.
"I thought it was my fault that he became angry. He took no responsibility for his actions; he blamed me. He would shove me around and throw things at me and I had to duck or move out of the way to avoid being hit.
"I remember once he threw a plant pot at me and it barely missed my head but all the dirt got me, and I even swallowed some," said Alison.
Death threat
Things came to a head in the short marriage when she attempted one day to take her nephew to his lessons. He followed her and threatened to kill her. It was there and then that she made the decision to leave him.
She waited until he was out of the house, packed up her belongings and moved back in with her mother. He tried to woo her back but with no success.
"I think there are a lot of signs we ignore when we are in love. If a man is controlling, that is a sign that he's a potential abuser. Also, and this is very important, if a man has no relationship with his mother - my ex-husband did not - do not get involved with him.
"If he can't maintain a loving relationship with the woman who brought him into this world, he can't do it with any other woman on the face of this earth," warned Alison.
Before Joyce [an alias] went to the SAVE (Service Alliance for Violent Encounters) Foundation Inc., she thought the daily put-downs she received from her husband was a normal part of being married.
She was married for 16 years before her marriage broke down as a result of constant threats and physical abuse from her spouse.
In her case, the verbal abuse started before she got married.
"I used to look at abuse as hitting. Only after I was going through the divorce and started talking to other women, that I realised I was verbally abused. He would tell me things like, 'You ain't no good; nobody ain't want you'. Things to pull down my self-esteem.
"He even told me he only married me for the children's sake. And that all of us women out there are nothing but s**** and our only worth is to make a man happy and we're only here to wash clean and cook," said Joyce, who met her husband while in secondary school.
About six or seven years after they got married, the physical abuse began. Their children would often be unwilling spectators to the bouts of arguments in which they engaged.
Joyce said her husband would shove her around and choke her but always stopped from going any further when he saw the children around. Like Maria, she believes the stress of having to support an outside woman made him flare up.
Things came to a head when one day, he threatened to "break me up". That's when Joyce called the police and he moved out and filed for divorce.
Though she's disappointed over the failure of her marriage, she's happy her children are not subjected to that type of abuse any more.
"Since going to the SAVE Foundation, I have learned that not only does the abuse affect you, it also affects your children because when children hear their parents arguing and fighting, they take on that same behaviour, not knowing it is wrong.
"I do a lot of community work and let me tell you, physical abuse isn't only restricted to adults. I've spoken to schoolgirls who have boyfriends who abuse them. So it's widespread," said Joyce, adding:
People might ask me why I married him despite the verbal abuse. Why does any woman marry a man? You love him, you want stability. All women want a Prince Charming," she said.
melissawickham
@nationnews.com
10 comment found!
@Fooled by False Love : 9/28/2009
No dear, that is not abuse, that is a dysfunctional relationship, where a man may be being taken advantage of. The lady has not manners,and it is up to him to decide how he feels about that. It saddens me that a serious subject like domestic abuse would be trivialised this way! A woman who does not discuss a business or who comes in late IS NOT abusing her partner!
Share your taughts : 9/27/2009
Abuse is an everyday thing, not only women are abused, abuse in anyform is not good, why only women seem to think that they're the only ones to be abuse. women abuse men as well, the things we do to each other show a lack of repect for eachother. Take for instance a man married to a woman who brought nothing to the marriage, the husband then was faced with helping her with a dept she had and ingnored for years before it went to court, one knows how that can be after, this woman moved out on two occasions during her marriage because some one else ( married) seem to be her target to get something better, but the husband gave her chances to be different but this never happened. She would go out and and come in at all hours in the morning sometimes for days would you not called that abuse as well. The husband opened a small shop so she can be independent all she had to do was to go in the shop and work, now when it comes to anything to do with the shop or anything for that matter she discuss it with other people and the husband will only know when things happen. is this not abuse as well, someone who only thinks of themself. This is the world we live in and as long as people worship materials things and let money drive them this will always happen, if you find a good marriage or relationship then you know it's one made to last. Some women enjoy flurting with men, the men feel something is there and fall for the trap.
Share your taughts : 9/27/2009
Abuse is an everyday thing, not only women are abused, abuse in anyform is not good, why only women seem to think that they're the only ones to be abuse. women abuse men as well, the things we do to each other show a lack of repect for eachother. Take for instance a man married to a woman who brought nothing to the marriage, the husband then was faced with helping her with a dept she had and ingnored for years before it went to court, one knows how that can be after, this women moved out on two occasions during her marriage because some one else ( married) seem to be her target to get something better, but the husband gave her chances to be different but this never happened. She would go out and and come in at all hours in the morning sometimes for days would you not called that abuse as well. The husband opened a small shop so she can be independent all she had to do was to go in the shop and work, now when it comes to anything to do with the shop or anything for that matter she discuss it with other people and the husband will only know when things happen. is this not abuse as well, someone who only thinks of themself. This is the world we live in and as long as people worship materials things and let money drive them this will always happen, if you find a good marriage or relationship then you know it's one made to last. Some women enjoy flurting with men, the men feel something is there and fall for the trap.
stupid men : 9/27/2009
BAJAN MEN ARE PLAIN COWARDS,LAZY,SILLY,FOOLISH AND GOD KNOWS WHAT ELSE,THATS ALL THEY GOOD AT BEATING WOMEN ARE LIKE FOOD TO THEM.I WAS MARRIED TO ONE FOR 8 YRS AND GOODNESS I HAD TO RUN AS HARD AS I COULD AND TO TOP IT OFF THE MAN WAS AS EMPTY AS A BARREL,BUT AS I WOULD HEAR DAILY GOD BLESS BIM
Abuse! : 9/27/2009
People need to get out of abusive relationship before it is too late! Don't forget that there are men who have been abused by their females but were afraid to come forward so only a few did. I've been in that position more than once but never have married (or yet). So even to schoolgirls with abusive boyfriends, please GET OUT OF RELATIONSHIP! Never forgot Sophia Philips, Q.E.H. nurse who was getting out of relationship was murdered by a man earlier this year. They had a fight and she came to get her things at the house.
i been there : 9/27/2009
i were married get the kids no food for then when get pay it lost when i fine out he were cooking at work for his friends and when rent to pay no money i had the kids small i been to the welfair there were no help to me because there belive him i leave him and at night he all round my house one night i see him about 12pm on his belly come to my home and i get a job and ask a girl to stay with the kids and he light fire on the step with some of my cloth and i did not had no one to talk with he use to go my mother and tell he lie she said to me i made my bed and lie down in it that hurt all like now it make having problen in my headll no one because it hurt he even went for a gov house u knoe did not had money to pay i had to pay and u know he still bib not suport my kids i buy a house that after i leave him he said let me buy it if idie he will get it i brow money and divorce but the lawyer had a guy there who were his friend would hin when i come to see the lawyer and before he was sick he told my three kids that he never suport then because he know i will look at them he die about two month ago and my big boy had to burry him so u see how we lady get treat when u dont say any thing all like now i still have that problen with my head not even the doc dont understand what going on in your life that why i turn to God i know i will be heal.........maria so i know how those lady feel he did beat me but what he did i had to stay with out food and the little give the kids so ita a lot to talk about in marrieds
: 9/27/2009
Three things bother me here. The attitude of the POLICE; The idea of women and the folly of the Prince Charming syndrome AND the beating of women. The police in Barbados should be more professional. I have had my experiences with some of the police and I have witneseed some police behaviour that should be denounced. I strongly beleived that the present commissioner needs to take a rest and allow some one else to manage the force. Some policemen are so uncouth and bad behaved towards the public, it is a shame. The way they approach you with gruff tones and vexxed countenance tells me that they dont know that they are there to serve the public. Some of them can tell lies galore and they use the fact that they represent the law to intimidate and take advantage of ordinary citizens because they are very reluctant to touch the so called big-ups: they tend bow and scrape beore them.This is indicative of their colonial training where you respect authority but you kick down those who seem to have "less power". History shows that the Police Force was established to control Black People in this country. (2) WOMEN AND PRINCE CHARMING: Too many women live in a fantasy world and they look for a man of their fantasies and continue to look for that man who sometimes come along and fool them. Meanwhile there is a man out there that truly loves them but he is dismissed as not up to scratch because he may not be 'good looking'-(women dwell on this a lot) or appear to have 'money'(what can he do for me ?) This however, is less so now that more women are providers(which creates another problem) . They then go and shack up with their Prince Charming who easily fools them and goes further to manipulate and beat them.Most WOMEN TEND TO JUDGE A MAN on face value and sweet talk believing that a man is a good man if he 'good looking' , talking sweet and telling them what they want to hear. Reality Check: some men are tricksters and talking sweet is part of their game......BEATING OF WOMEN BY MEN....While I dont condone it, I understand why it happens. My advice to Men is to leave out a woman if you and she cant do rather than beat that woman. The problem is that most men truly love their women but most women tend only, to tolerate men, having no real love for them. Some women do things that give men the belief that the only way to get through to 'her is to throw some licks in she tail' Some women are not easy to deal with it, mind you. Some men are not easy to deal with either b and can be very inflexible and hard and vicious stopping at nothing to 'teach a man a lesson ' These are usually men who have been heavily influenced by their mothers. Some women can be hard , inflexible and unfiorgiving, When the religious things kick in as those in many a situation, that situation is exacerbated. Some times, some women tend to provoke men into reacting with violence.WHEN THIS HAPPENS, MY ADVICE TO MEN WOULD BE : "MEN PLEASE WALK AWAY AND DO NOT BEAT NO WOMAN-you aint own she and she is not going to change anyhow so dont beat your head up against a wall---just forget it.Easier said than done but it can be done!
abusive relationships : 9/27/2009
abuse will always go on because in barbados the people there cares what other people think and say about them, they do not do things for the own well being . i am a married woman and i have been married for thirty two years and my husband never laid his hand on me and i alway say the day he had any thoughts about it i would leave at the first attempt. these men are cowards and you should not be a coward to leave them or get help.
abuse : 9/27/2009
Oh how I wish I could turn back the clock. I too suffered abuse for over3 30 years and the abuse spread to my two girls. Daily bouts of hearing I'm going to chop of your hand or foot, because they won't hang me was constant. Fear and no family support, kept me locked into a dealdy game of abuse.Forced sexual activites, even going to the police dripping in blood from a cut obove my eye, did't get the results. Society cast a blind eye and made me the enemy. My daughters now view me like an outsider, and their father loves that, so he can shine in their eyes. But the old folks say time longer than twine, and today for me and tomorrow for you. education is key, especially for the youth, both male and female, new rules and standards are needed to be set for them to break the old cycle of thinking, embedded on their mental hard drive from their dysfunctional parents. I got out, left everything and ran for my life, took my kids, but they were wooed back with material things. Today, I'm wiser and got my voice and uses it to make sure I don't fall into that trap again.Keep up the good work and god bless. Island girl in USA
love : 9/27/2009
from day one an aman treat u bad and u working or living at your parents break it off be fore it go to far my husband went to hit me before we was marriage and it was throught his family and when he want to hit his hand went in the hous he in do it again
TODAY'S CARTOONS
11/18/2009
Most Emailed Stories
'Young boy' full of love (11/13/2009)Report: Barbados least corrupt in region (11/18/2009)Pop star flies in family (11/13/2009)$600m resort hits snag(11/13/2009)Experts: Don't cut bonuses(11/19/2009)Tortured teen back home(11/15/2009)Angel in The City(11/15/2009)NOT ALL GLOOM(11/17/2009)BBC to launch FM station in Barbados (11/18/2009)
 |