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Ridicule stops victims from talking
Published on: 9/20/2009.
THERE ARE A LOT OF WEAK MEN IN BARBADOS.
That's the conclusion of the chairman of the Men's Education Support Association (MESA) about men who stay in relationships where they are verbally, physically or psychologically abused by their girlfriends or spouses.
He told the SUNDAY SUN he was seeing more and more cases where men, even some members of MESA, were being controlled by the women in their lives.
However, he said, these women only ended up despising them in the long run for putting up with it.
"Some men accept [the abuse meted out to them]. Ironically, when a man does that, the woman really despises him. She hates him because he is weak. She expects him to be firm and to stand up to her.
"In MESA, we have some cases, luckily not too many, where men say they can't come to meetings because their wives say they can't come.
"Or, it is a case where I call a man's home to invite him to a meeting and his wife or woman says he can't come and starts giving me reasons," Boyce disclosed, adding:
"We have some surprisingly weak men in Barbados and the women hate them for it. They call them 'twerps' and twits.
"Women like men who are strong - not to the extent of beating themor anything like that, but they wanta man who would stand up to them and say: 'No, I don't think what you are saying or doing is right.'"
Boyce told the SUNDAY SUN that when he first said a lot of men in Barbados were being abused, people queried it and some even laughed. Now they were becoming believers,he said.
What prevented victims from coming forward was the perceived ridicule, he pointed out.
He said attitudes in law enforcement, bred by a society that believed men could not be abused, stopped victims from reporting the abuse.
"So there are men who have been abused physically and are ashamed to let anyone know.
"The traditional belief is that the man is not supposed to show any kind of emotion. The verbal and physical abuse is very common. A lot of the time, women initiate the violence against men.
"One of our members who was doing some research into physical violence told me that a man told him his wife slapped him inside the supermarket in front of everybody and the member asked him what he did, and his response was that he went outside the supermarket and cried. This is a real case," he said.
Shelter for men
Boyce called on churches to doa lot more in terms of counselling teenagers and young men on relationships and selecting partners so they could avoid becoming victims of abuse by spotting the signs.
"People need to spend more time courting, they are not doing that.As for the signs of an abuser, the man should look out for controlling behaviour; the woman who is going to tell you 'Let me do that, you can't do it', and the woman who tends to put you down.
"The problem is that whena man is tied up with a woman, he worships the ground she walkson. There are some men who were hit before they got married but they think they can change the woman.
"We also have to do more work with the women to get them to understand what damage they are doing," said Boyce, who called for a shelter for abused men.
He said men sometimes called him asking him to suggest a place where they could lay their heads for a night when their partners acted up.
"I think there should be a shelter for abused men if only on the basis of gender equality. Women have somewhere to go when theyare abused. Why not the men?" he reasoned.
8 comment found!
Domestic Abuse : 9/21/2009
I am 100% for a support group that advocates stopping all violence against any partner, male or female. I wonder why there is a lack of support for violence against women and why these groups are not as vocal as MESA? Statistics will show that more women, past and present, have been or is being abused in BIM than men. No one should have to suffer this indignity.
RIDUCLE STOP MEN FROM TALKING : 9/20/2009
Women get away with abusing men because the law allow this to happen. When a man try to defend himself then there is a conflit of interest with the law. Men need to move on there merry way and leave some of these women alone. Women work there witch craft on men and they cannot leave the women, so the women beat them up. It is time the law step in and do something about the women and stop looking at their fake tears.
Action : 9/20/2009
I think you should have heard enough bedtime stories from men by now Mr Boyce. Step ahead and educate these men to lobby Government for a voice and some changes. Write the Prime Minister and Attorney General some letters, get some signed petitions, more Town Hall meetings, public meetings the media will be present (they like news), get some placards and go by Government Headquarters or Parliament Building yard PEACEFULLY. Do it REPEATEDLY until realise that you (men) are serious about change. Retired.
Shelter for Abused Men : 9/20/2009
Shelter for abused men is a great idea. Abuse men are human too and at times need respite. All social organizations and the churches should fund-raise to support housing and services for these victims of domestic violence. GBS
no real love : 9/20/2009
i don't beleive men are soft, just that they don't want to be caught up with the law, it's easy to get into trouble but very hard/costly to get out. men who display arrogance sometimes end up being sorry, i think if you a give a person enough chances to be better and there is no results then treat that person the same way they treated you. You will realised they can't deal with it.
: 9/20/2009
My wife threw a bottle at my car once. I drove away. A year or so later she took up a knife and came at me. I grabbed her, threw her into a corner and walked out. I did not get divorced for a few years but I knew when we were finished.
Ridicule stops victims : 9/20/2009
It takes a very strong man to take and walk away from domestic abuse. I do not see the weakness that Mr Boyce is talking about. I guess his idea of a strong man is the guy who is going to slap back. but Martin Luther King took a lot of abuse from his foes he did not strike back. He taught us not to. Some of us have his teachings deeply ingrained in us.Does that make us weak? some people men/women might, just to make peace and refuse any invitations because they want to keep peace in the home.Should we go along just to get along? sometimes.
Abuse : 9/20/2009
Most women would try this with all men It takes a lot for a man not to throw that first punch,and when he does, nothing will stop him. For those guys who refuse to hit, you are the srtonger men. When you and your partner finaly seperates,she finds a man who is the opposite of you,than she knew what she had and would move heaven or earth to get you back. I have no intention of hitting a woman,when we meet I let you know before hand,I will not hit you and you will not hit me,If you ever try it,you will be sorry and then I will leave. Clyde NY
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