Sleeping with the enemy

by MELISSA ROLLOCK

THREE WOMEN. All married. All of them abused by the men who promised to love, honour and cherish them for the rest of their lives.

Something went terribly wrong between the church and divorce court for these women who all believed they were marrying their respective Prince Charmings.

But somewhere along the way, these Prince Charmings turned into frogs.

For Maria, there was certainly no "happily ever after".

She was married for six years to the father of her first child. He was her first boyfriend and first love when she met him as an inexperienced 16-year-old.

Five years later, they tied the knot despite a few red flags that went up during their courtship.

On two separate occasions, her partner became aggressive, ripping a chain from around her neck in one instance and putting her in an armlock in another.

Still, blinded by love and moved by his promises of "it will never happen again", Maria went ahead with the wedding.

It was a decision she lived to regret.

The physical and emotional abuse continued and escalated when he had an extra-marital affair.

Things further deteriorated when Maria got a job.

"I think the abuse came about because he wanted to get out of the marriage. Also, when I started to work, I started to see the change.

"He would say that I didn't want him any more. I remember we went to the bank and he saw how much I worked for and that was a problem. He felt threatened," said Maria, who is in a supervisory position.

This perceived threat made him more aggressive.

Slapped and choked

"He would press down on my neck and shoulders until he subdued me. He would slap me in my face. At one point, I was lying down and he put his knees in my chest and choked me.

"Our baby was in the room so I tried to tell him while he was choking me that the baby was there, but it was like he didn't even hear me. It was at that point that I decided I had to get out," she told the SUNDAY SUN.

Maria kept the abuse silent not telling anyone, not even her mother.

She was still holding on to a dead dream of having a happy marriage. And, because she grew up in the church, she was reluctant to get a divorce.

The abuse continued until one day when her ex acted up and put her in a headlock. Maria filed for a restraining order the next day, but knew she had to get out of the house before he found out about it.

She waited until he was out of the house, packed up her things and moved into a friend's home with her daughter.

As she suspected, he became incensed when he realised she had left.

"He made threats; so I got scared and went to the police. He even went as far as to report me and my daughter as missing to the police," she said.

But the response Maria received when she turned to the police for help left much to be desired.

"I went to the police and a sergeant told me, 'You know, you don't need a man like that' and proceeded to give me his cellphone number and all the numbers I could reach him at if I had a problem.

"When my ex-husband reported us missing, I got a call from the police officer who wanted to know where I was. Somehow I did not trust him. So I told him I could not put my life on the line and I was not going to tell him my location.

"I was due in court for the restraining order the next day. So I told him he could find me there, but he wasn't for that. I told him to go ahead and put out the missing persons notice

and by the next day when I appeared in court, they could retract it saying we had been found.

"You don't know it was a good thing I didn't tell that officer my location. I later found out that I did a wise thing because I was told my husband was right there with the officer in the police station," she recalled.

Maria made a startling discovery towards the end of the marriage.

"I found out that my ex-husband was abusive in the past. Some people might ask why I stayed with him, but you don't just turn off love.

"He did not recognise at the time that he had a problem. He always blamed me. He basically told me it was me who made him hit me. He knew I would tolerate it because I wanted to make the marriage work," she said.

Mara has since moved on with her life and is currently in another relationship. As can be expected, she is cautious and is taking things slowly. In the back of her mind, she will always wonder if her partner is showing all of his cards, but knows she can't let her past experience dictate her future.

As for her experience with the one police sergeant, that hasn't tainted her view either of the Royal Barbados Police Force.

"The problem is that in our society, we expect a man to beat a woman. So just because you go in the Police Force or the legal system, it doesn't mean your mindset will change.

"Even with the restraining order, the officers in the court asked me if I was sure I wanted to go through with it because 'we' usually went back with the men.

"I must point out that not all police officers are like the one I encountered. Some were very empathetic and caring towards me and very professional," she said.

While some women stay to see if their abuser will change, others like Alison [an alias] get out as soon as they can. She and her now ex-husband were both in the church and courted for about four years before getting married. However, that marriage only lasted a year after the physical abuse became too much for Alison.

Her ex choked her one week before they were supposed to get married during an argument. But he apologised and the wedding plans were in place; so they went ahead and got married.

The physical abuse continued after they said their "I dos". He became controlling and didn't even want her to visit her family or have anything to do with them.

"When she defied him by reaching out to her family, he became aggressive and violent.

"He would always tell me it was me who provoked him; it was me who made him act the way he did. And you know what? I started to believe him.

"I thought it was my fault that he became angry. He took no responsibility for his actions; he blamed me. He would shove me around and throw things at me and I had to duck or move out of the way to avoid being hit.

"I remember once he threw a plant pot at me and it barely missed my head but all the dirt got me, and I even swallowed some," said Alison.

Death threat

Things came to a head in the short marriage when she attempted one day to take her nephew to his lessons. He followed her and threatened to kill her. It was there and then that she made the decision to leave him.

She waited until he was out of the house, packed up her belongings and moved back in with her mother. He tried to woo her back but with no success.

"I think there are a lot of signs we ignore when we are in love. If a man is controlling, that is a sign that he's a potential abuser. Also, and this is very important, if a man has no relationship with his mother - my ex-husband did not - do not get involved with him.

"If he can't maintain a loving relationship with the woman who brought him into this world, he can't do it with any other woman on the face of this earth," warned Alison.

Before Joyce [an alias] went to the SAVE (Service Alliance for Violent Encounters) Foundation Inc., she thought the daily put-downs she received from her husband was a normal part of being married.

She was married for 16 years before her marriage broke down as a result of constant threats and physical abuse from her spouse.

In her case, the verbal abuse started before she got married.

"I used to look at abuse as hitting. Only after I was going through the divorce and started talking to other women, that I realised I was verbally abused. He would tell me things like, 'You ain't no good; nobody ain't want you'. Things to pull down my self-esteem.

"He even told me he only married me for the children's sake. And that all of us women out there are nothing but s**** and our only worth is to make a man happy and we're only here to wash clean and cook," said Joyce, who met her husband while in secondary school.

About six or seven years after they got married, the physical abuse began. Their children would often be unwilling spectators to the bouts of arguments in which they engaged.

Joyce said her husband would shove her around and choke her but always stopped from going any further when he saw the children around. Like Maria, she believes the stress of having to support an outside woman made him flare up.

Things came to a head when one day, he threatened to "break me up". That's when Joyce called the police and he moved out and filed for divorce.

Though she's disappointed over the failure of her marriage, she's happy her children are not subjected to that type of abuse any more.

"Since going to the SAVE Foundation, I have learned that not only does the abuse affect you, it also affects your children because when children hear their parents arguing and fighting, they take on that same behaviour, not knowing it is wrong.

"I do a lot of community work and let me tell you, physical abuse isn't only restricted to adults. I've spoken to schoolgirls who have boyfriends who abuse them. So it's widespread," said Joyce, adding:

People might ask me why I married him despite the verbal abuse. Why does any woman marry a man? You love him, you want stability. All women want a Prince Charming," she said.

melissawickham

@nationnews.com