SECRETS CORNER: Children in the crossfire

by SANKA PRICE

CHILDREN are often used as pawns between warring adults. One of the ways is that they are sent to stay at their father's home, sometimes without notice, even though their mother knows this could disrupt the man's new household.

"She sends the two children over without saying anything, and even though he has spoken to her [about it], she still does it," one woman called in response to this week's question: You are living with your spouse who has child(ren) from other relationships. The mother(s) of those children sometimes drop them off without warning. What do you think should be done to preserve your privacy with your spouse?

"It's about revenge," she said.

"She just doesn't want to see him happy with me and is trying everything to chase me, but I ain't leaving him," she added.

She was among a few callers who said that jilted women, in particular, act this way to hurt the man and get back at the woman who replaced them.

But such actions, these responders argued, hurt children the most as they are usually caught in the crossfire. And this results in a number of those children developing negative attitudes to one of their parents and an unhealthy view of relationships.

Clearly, the common sense thing to do would be to work out a schedule for children's visits and outside of those times, call to ask if the children can be brought over. Unfortunately, common sense is rare when emotions flare and this is often the case in these circumstances.

Women and men who do things like this to undermine their old spouse's new relationship should realise that apart from the short thrill of doing it, there are no long-term benefits for them; and worse, their children may suffer in the process.

The following are edited versions of some of the responses received:

* "It is not fair to the kids to be dropped off like packages on the doorstep. There should be communication between the parents as to when the kids would be dropped off and when they will be picked up. But sometimes the mothers do this as revenge.

"This sounds like the mum is sending a message to the other woman that she still has control. In situations like this the man has to speak up and put a stop to the foolishness."

* "If we are married and those are my stepchildren, I wouldn't complain but if we are living together and it happens, then he needs to step up and clarify things with the mum so it doesn't happen repeatedly.

"If he can't straighten it out, then I probably wouldn't hang in with him and his 'baby's momma drama'!"

* "If you make a decision to have a relationship with someone who already has children, this is one of the situations you have to deal with. At the end of the day, you should consider this will happen; children do not come with a timetable; things change and happen unexpectedly."

* "As long you can come to an agreement about child visits on particular days of the week, then you should get your privacy. Let her know that she cannot just drop them off whenever she wants. This is a very inconsiderate action on her part and should be dealt with."

* "It never happened to me, but my kids can be dropped off by me at anytime. They are the loves of my life and my door is always open no matter what; they come before any privacy issue, myself, or anything else."

* "Any woman who can take care of another woman's children is a 'lot of woman'. You have the man and 50 per cent of those children are his flesh and blood. You and he can keep them whenever. Nice!"

* "There's one solution to that problem. When that happens once, leave!"

* "If the mother did not know the schedule of the father and stepmother, she would take a chance to do such an untimely act. I would let her know that I don't have a problem looking after the children, but she can't just drop in like a hotel; even in a hotel, there is not always room available."

* "Proper arrangements should be made between both parents so that there is some stability in the lives of both people, and also in the children's lives. That way everyone knows what should be happening and when."