Men tell tales of abuse

Stories by MELISSA ROLLOCK

THEY BEAR the physical and emotional scars of years of domestic abuse.

They've suffered quietly at the handsof their abusers, afraid to speak out.

They've been bruised, abused and misused. And, they're all men.

On condition of anonymity, three men shared their horrific experiences with the SUNDAY SUN recently in an effort to bring awareness to a problem that has been swept under the carpet for years - men who suffer abuseat the hands of their women.

Most men are too embarrassed to report or talk about their abuse because of the stigma attached to it. The idea that men could be victims of domestic abuse and violence is so unthinkable to most people that many men will not even attempt to report the situation.

The few who do, charge that they have been laughed at or

had their masculinity questioned.

One such man, whom we'll call John, was in an abusive relationship for two years before he got out.It started out blissful but soon became possessive with his girlfriend (now ex-girlfriend) making frequent calls and unannounced visits to his workplace.

"It came to a point where I couldn't go anywhere,I was being accused of having an affair with every female. It turned physical when I could not take it anymore and stopped returning her calls.

"One evening, I was at work and she came to my workplace but I didn't acknowledge her. She askedme if I was seeing someone else, I didn't answer. I just wanted to get her out of my system.

"She grabbed me and started to pull off my shirt buttons. She scratched me all in my face. It calledfor a lot of restraint. I was tempted to hit her butyou know what? The law favours women when itcomes to domestic abuse.

"There were times when I would call the police when it got overbearing and the police would always listen to the side of the woman.

"I never hit her because I've seen spousal abuse in my home. I grew up with it and I'm not going to repeat it. There were times when I had to physically restrain my ex [to stop her from hitting me]. I found when I did that, she became more violent," shared John.

His ex became so violent that he found his car tyres slashed one evening after work. She even tried to stab him on a number of occasions.

"She was a master at crocodile tears. She'd tell me: 'Who you think the police is going to believe, me or you?' And she would laugh. She broke up my laptop and when I called the police, they made mock-sport at me - they laughed. They asked me what kind of a man I was and called me a soft man," John recalled.

He said his ex's size - she was smaller than him - made it difficult for police to believe that she was the aggressor and she used that to her advantage.

"I realise that women are good actors when it comes to the emotions, they will cry. Men in their weakness will tend to side with the woman before they hear the man's side of the story. They figure a man is physically stronger, so he's the aggressor," he said.

It took about three years for his ex to leave him alone; she started seeing someone else and that diverted her attention from him.

John believes attitudes, especially those in law enforcement, need to change so men who are victimsof abuse can come forward.

"Most men don't report cases of domestic abuse because they feel they will be laughed at. Some ofmy male friends knew about my situation and they laughed. My advice to men is to count to ten; don'tact in the heat of the moment.

"The police need to take our complaints seriously. They only take them seriously when it is too late; when someone has been killed. Domestic abuse on men is a reality. Once more women start being prosecuted the men will come out. Until such time, men will hide in the closet as it relates to domestic abuse," said John.

Even in the church

Abuse is not limited. It touches even those in the Church, as our next victim proves. He was married for three years and both he and his now ex-wife were Christians.

They would attend church every Sunday as if nothing was wrong but behind close doors, all hell would break loose.

Peter (an alias) was abused both physically and verbally by his former wife to the point where he felt emasculated. He was never allowed to be the man of the house and his opinions were shot down by his spouse, who was more educated than he was.

"It started after we got married. It began when she couldn't have her way. I'm a quiet person so I don't usually make snap decisions, I have to process them first. That was not good enough for her.

"If she came up with an idea or something,it always had to be now, now, now. And becauseI didn't respond in her time, I would get a cuff.

"One time, I was lying in bed and she asked me something and I took some time before I respondedand she kicked me off the bed and I fractured my hand. Another time, I got struck in my head with a piece of wood. I had to go to hospital to get medical attention.

"The doctor said to me: 'So she's dead?' He thought I would've retaliated but I'm not that type of person.

"I don't believe in hitting. I've grown up and seen itin my family and I've seen the destruction it caused. I've always said to myself growing up that I don't want that around me.

"The only way I cannot have it around me is to don't do it. Because I get angry doesn't give me the right to strike you," said Peter.

In hindsight, he should've picked up on the signs. When they were courting, his ex-wife's behaviour was somewhat controlling but he was so much in love that he dismissed it. If she caught him talking to women, no matter how innocent it was, she would barge in on the conversation to assert her place as his woman.

Peter sought the counsel of his pastor who told him  in essence that he needed to make a decision as to whether he would stay in the abusive relationship or leave. Still, he endured the abuse.

However, things bcame clear after his ex-wife hit him in the head. He moved out, it became a police matter and she was summoned to court. But, as Peter put it, she used her feminine wiles to get him to drop the case.

He did, but regretted it.

Peter thought that sexual encounter was a sign they could work things out – not so.
“I remember one time after that, I got sick really bad. We were still living apart, but after our encounter, I thought I could go by her so she could take care of me. You know she closed her door on me? At that point, I got a rude awakening,” he said.

Because of his Christian values, Peter never wanted a divorce and it took a number of years before he could start the process.

The whole experience made him wary about relationships and marriage. But he met a woman who changed his mind and he has been married to her for the past three years.

“My ex-wife thought she knew it all. It is quite the opposite with my new wife, who is also more educated than I am. I have more input when it comes to our relationship.

 “When I say things to my wife, she doesn’t dismiss them. She allows me to lead; she doesn’t belittle me,” he said.

Verbal abuse

Verbal abuse can be just as bad as the other forms of abuse. It caused David (an alias), to lose confidence in himself to the point were he suffered low self-esteem.

He was married for ten years, but only half of it was enjoyable.
The last half of the marriage was turbulent and filled with daily put-downs.
“One time, I spoke to her about a matter I was not pleased with and that set her off. She started verbally abusing me. It didn’t take much. It seemed like [it happened]every day, but it was more like twice a week.

“I did not respond and I believe it got to her. She knew I was that type of person, the type who wouldn’t get violent, and I think she exploited that too. She would curse me using expletives,” recalled David.

Even when he got promotions at work, that wasn’t enough to extinguish her fury, he said.

“I tried to show her I really cared and that I was ambitious but that meant nothing to her. She criticised me and told me I was a failure even though I was advancing in my profession.

 “It really started to affect my self-esteem. I was being bombarded with this abuse and was made to feel less than I was,” he said.

It also started to affect him physically. He became jumpy at every little noise he heard, thinking it was his (ex) wife.

David decided that to preserve his health, he needed to get out of that toxic environment. So, he found a place to rent and the only worldly possessions he took with him was a TV and his clothes. It wasn’t much, but at least he had his sanity.

He wants other men, especially young men, to avoid making the same mistakes he has made and offered this bit of advice:

“When you’re courting and you pick up any signals, discuss them, small or big. Before you even have sex – because once you go there, your judgement gets clouded – put all of your cards on the table early; what you both expect of each other.

“You should go through a courtship for at least a year to get to know each other. That is good time to pick up on any problems. Don’t let your heart control you. When you meet a woman, your heart rather than your head controls you.

“Make sure, I can’t emphasise this enough, that you meet her family to get an idea of what kind of person she is. Also meet some of their friends. Find out how selfish or selfless she is and what type of family person she is,” he said, adding that these were just guidelines.

“But if you follow them, they will spare you a lot of heartache in the long run,” advised David.