by Tony Best

A PRIEST WITH AT least a quarter of a century in the pulpit spoke about the first "mind-blowing experience" of oral sex he had in Barbados in the late 1970s while being trained for holy orders.

An evening away from the seminary's classroom found him in the arms of a beautiful woman, he recalled.

"It was an exciting evening and things reached the point at which intercourse would be the next obvious thing," he said. "But she announced she was having her period, so naturally we stopped.

"But she shocked me by telling me, 'Never mind I will take care of you.' The message was clear: she offered oral sex and I agreed despite the fact that I felt it was wrong. It was curiosity, I suppose."

When it was all over, he quietly made the sign of the cross and silently sought God's forgiveness.

Interestingly, by turning to oral, the seminarian and the young lady didn't have to deal with guilt associated with the biblical threat of isolation from society for engaging in sex during menstruation.

"You know, I never felt the same way about the woman after that," he said. "It adversely affected how I saw her after that."

Why that reaction?

The influence of religion on sexual behaviour.

The story was among a dozen tales that Bajan women and men shared with the SATURDAY SUN on the promise of anonymity. They were asked to share their experiences that would show how their religious beliefs had influenced their sex lives and how they viewed human sexuality.

"Yes, the church and our religious grounding provided by our parents in the home, and to some extent the school, influences our conduct throughout our lives; and that includes how we approach the issue of sex," said the Reverend Laurel Scott, a United Methodist Church Pastor in Massachusetts.

"We are products of that socialisation and it is not a bad thing at all. We have to understand that and live our lives as Christians."

The Methodist minister, who defines sex as a divine gift from God that should be enjoyed by people in loving committed relationships, added that it goes without saying that our attitude about the church and sex was fashioned by our religious beliefs.

A case in point. Not too long ago, Scott, now in the final year of her studies for a doctorate in theology at Boston University while serving as a full-time pastor, was invited by a young couple to conduct their marriage ceremony at her church. And like many ministers, she insisted on joint counselling sessions to discuss the implications of marriage, the raising of a family, and how to lead a Christian life.

"I wouldn't marry any couple without counselling them. We discussed why they wanted to get married, their plans for the future, the role of God in their lives, and I talked about the need for trust, honesty, sharing a commitment and the things I consider to be important," she said.

"Then, I told the couple they should try to make their relationship enjoyable and suggested that they should set aside a special evening to enjoy themselves by doing some of the things they liked before the marriage, and that could include sex."

The couple seemed shocked that a religious minister, who was asked to join them in "holy matrimony", would discuss sex during a session in a church.

"Their idea of the church was that it's a place to discuss godly things, but not sexual matters," the pastor recalled. "My point to them was that they should find ways to keep their relationship fresh, and sex was a gift that we should enjoy."

In the end though, the couple got the message and agreed it was good advice.

"It just goes to show how people view the church, religion and sexual matters," the pastor said. "People tend to see the church as authoritarian and look at it and religion in terms of restrictions – you shouldn't do this or you shouldn't do that – instead of considering it God's self-revelation to us. Human sexuality is a part of that revelation."

Elizabeth, a mother of three grown children, couldn't agree more.

"I can't push aside the influences of the Bible, the Ten Commandments, all the things I was taught in school at home and in the church," said the middle-age widow in Canada.

"I can be walking down the street and I see a handsome man and something sexual may flash through my mind for a fleeting second. But I would remember I shouldn't lust after somebody else's husband. Never mind that the thought was exciting and that I would never see him again. I would say to myself, 'I wonder how he would be in bed.' But I can't do it."

Another example of just how much religion influences our sex lives occurred with a Bajan in Maryland. She explained that after her divorce she had a brief "fling," no more than three sexual encounters, with a "tall, dark, handsome man" who made her feel special.

"It was nothing but a fling," she recalled. "I knew he was married, but we both decided to do it and we both enjoyed it while it lasted. It was brief, enjoyable, and we moved on."

Then out of "blue," he called her years later, ostensibly to apologise for the intimate moments they had shared, expressing regret that he had betrayed his wife in that fashion and that he had encouraged her to behave unchristian like, to put it mildly.

"He told me that he had become a born-again Christian after we had parted and he wanted to put the incident behind him because it was preventing him from becoming a good person," she explained.

"He said he had asked God for forgiveness and he wanted me to do the same – meaning to forgive him -– and to seek forgiveness as well. He even suggested that I should become a born-again Christian too.

"It was the weirdest thing. I felt confused, guilty, uncomfortable and foolish. I asked, 'Why are you calling me now to tell me this nonsense?' After all, the call came years after our fling and there was nothing between us. He lived in a different city and we had stopped communicating.

"He wanted to repent for his sins and I was one of his sins. What rubbish!"

* Next Week: Is oral sex good for your health?