by Dawn Morgan

SORRY, DICK HOAD, I haven't seen a coffin I like yet.

I refer to your "Lowdown" suggestion that I find out about the washing habits of Bajan women, as it may relate to divorce.

Going around asking the sistas stuff like that is sudden death, believe me!

But I will share my observations.

Those who live in cold countries may feel no way about infrequent washing. And note the French use of the bidet, which has travelled globally to upmarket hotels and bathrooms of the rich and spritzful.

In hot countries I think most women like to have "a fresh" twice a day on average. More, if monologues turn into duologues.

Note: in Hawaii poonani means "beautiful flower" and gentle rain makes flowers blossom, not scalding, scrubbing, or chemicals.

Unfortunately, some women believe they are "dirty down there". They scrub themselves and use soap, disinfectants (fuh real!), and commercial douches, thus increasing vulnerability to infections.

Usually sexually inhibited or asexual, they think masturbation and sex is nasty, avoiding intimacy at all costs. Result may be affairs and divorce.

Now to the hot and cold runnings.

My late grandfather, peace be upon him, may have agreed with Dick. He believed that after a warm shower, or even steam bath or sauna, one had to have a brisk, cold shower to "close the pores". Don't cold showers freeze libido?

Bathing in St Andrew cold water must be even more chilly than in the heights (natural, not socially contrived) of St James. Your wife, brave lady, could use this coldness as grounds for divorce. Amnesty might consider it "cruel and unusual punishment".

Scientific research found that women have more sensitive sniffers than men, that's why we like more sweet-smelling stuff. Another study revealed that if we like someone's natural body smell there is powerful sexual chemistry and "love at first smell".

This research had women sniff the underarms of T-shirts worn by a group of men, and the ladies were able to pick out their guy's shirt, by a nose.

All this smelly stuff reminded me of an email from a reader just after Christmas, oinking about the hambiguous aroma of ham. Since I'm no swinemouth, I can't compare. But his remarks led to me noticing that many foods no longer smell as enticing as they used to.

When I was a child, the aroma of "English" apples was mouth-watering, now, most of them could be cork or styrofoam. The only fragrantly fruity one I found was a red "Rome".

Gas-ripened fruit don't have the same smell as the backyard figs and bananas. Guavas are still redolent with their unique aroma. Ripe paw-paws also have a juicy smell, and Julie mangoes are downright sensual.

So what does the "plasticisation" of many foods, the over-loading of chemicals and preservatives, and the force-ripening have to do with eating healthy – nor not?

Our digestive juices should start flowing from the sight and sniff of foods.

Deny it as we might, our sexual juices also start flowing at the sight and smell of the subject of our affection (or rejection?).

Dawn Morgan is a NATION senior reporter who doesn't trust foods that have no smell. tel 430-5495 dawnmorgan@nationews.com