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True Confessions
SECRETS CORNER: Support her or lose her
Published on: 11/21/2009.
by Sanka Price
THIS WEEK’S DISCUSSION was generated by a phone call from a distraught mother. In essence, she said her 23-year-old University of the West Indies graduate daughter, now working in a “good profession”, is “giddy over some knotty-hair fellow who does wear he pants ’cross he bottom”.
The mother said she told her child that the young man had no means of assisting her in life as he was not as qualified as she was, did not have a steady job, and seemed not to be interested in doing anything to uplift himself.
The mother said the more she talked, the less her daughter listened. She also pays no attention to her sister and cousins who all tell her the same thing. She fears her daughter will get pregnant and waste her life, but she is powerless to do anything about it.
The mum said she has stopped the man from coming to her house and now her girl is talking about renting an apartment. The situation has made her sick.
“I don’t know what more I can do. How an intelligent girl . . . can’t see that this boy is no good for her [and] that he can’t give her no future. . . I am at a loss,” she said.
This mother’s predicament is not unfamiliar to many parents who have gone through, or are going through, similar circumstances. What can be done about it?
In our efforts to answer this question, we asked – If your daughter brought home her new partner to meet you and you realised that he was not as qualified as she was, plus you found his dress and manner offensive, what would you tell her? – in order to benefit from the wealth of experience out there.
The answer is not a straightforward one. The only thing certain is that communication and understanding is needed by both parents and children to settle this issue.
The following are edited versions of some of the responses received:
• “Nothing. My partner is a university graduate [while] I was expelled from secondary school. My appearance is somewhat rough as I wear long hair and my facial hair is thick but always well groomed. However, my madam always dresses classy.
“We might be different in appearance, but our love has survived the last five years – and we’re still going strong.”
• “I prefer her to be with a man who has a good mind than one who is a liar, a womaniser, or a thief with a master’s degree . . . But it would kill me to see him dressed with his pants below his waist and dropping off.”
• “You may not like your daughter’s choice, but you must be supportive. Sometimes the one you thought would be inappropriate ends up being the prince; while the one you thought would be the perfect match, ends up being the one who will hurt her the most.
“Never push her into something you may regret.”
• “I would talk to her and him about his manner and dress. As for his not being more qualified, I would not mess with that because if he is good to her, who am I to butt in?”
• “I would try not to lose my temper and forbid her to see him because that may make her cling to him more. Instead, I would explain to her why I have misgivings.
“The qualifications issue could be a problem, especially if she makes more money than he does. His way of dressing can be changed and his manner would only be a problem if it was offensive towards her. He might feel enough for her to ‘clean up’ or she might be able to encourage him to improve himself.
“My grandparents did not approve of my father because he was not as educated as my mum, but he turned his life around under my mother’s influence and earned the trust of my grandparents (especially after they married and I was born).”
• “You cannot tell the heart who to love, but I would hope that based upon my child’s upbringing, she would make the right or decent choice in a relationship.
“The reality is, money cannot make you happy. Therefore, whether the other person is just as qualified or not should not make a difference.
“As for his dress and manner being offensive, again, her upbringing, coupled with lifestyle values, plays a significant role in her life choices. When our children reach the age of accountability, we are not supposed to choose their paths in life.”
• “Who is to say that she can’t patch him up and make him the way she wants him?
“Women can be quite influential, especially in young love.
“I would not tell her that he is no good for her and less educated. If she really loves him, I would explain to her that in my opinion she has her work cut out for her.
“Sometimes we can only give advice and show our children what is good or bad, then leave them to make the decision for themselves.”
THIS WEEK’S DISCUSSION was generated by a phone call from a distraught mother. In essence, she said her 23-year-old University of the West Indies graduate daughter, now working in a “good profession”, is “giddy over some knotty-hair fellow who does wear he pants ’cross he bottom”.
The mother said she told her child that the young man had no means of assisting her in life as he was not as qualified as she was, did not have a steady job, and seemed not to be interested in doing anything to uplift himself.
The mother said the more she talked, the less her daughter listened. She also pays no attention to her sister and cousins who all tell her the same thing. She fears her daughter will get pregnant and waste her life, but she is powerless to do anything about it.
The mum said she has stopped the man from coming to her house and now her girl is talking about renting an apartment. The situation has made her sick.
“I don’t know what more I can do. How an intelligent girl . . . can’t see that this boy is no good for her [and] that he can’t give her no future. . . I am at a loss,” she said.
This mother’s predicament is not unfamiliar to many parents who have gone through, or are going through, similar circumstances. What can be done about it?
In our efforts to answer this question, we asked – If your daughter brought home her new partner to meet you and you realised that he was not as qualified as she was, plus you found his dress and manner offensive, what would you tell her? – in order to benefit from the wealth of experience out there.
The answer is not a straightforward one. The only thing certain is that communication and understanding is needed by both parents and children to settle this issue.
The following are edited versions of some of the responses received:
• “Nothing. My partner is a university graduate [while] I was expelled from secondary school. My appearance is somewhat rough as I wear long hair and my facial hair is thick but always well groomed. However, my madam always dresses classy.
“We might be different in appearance, but our love has survived the last five years – and we’re still going strong.”
• “I prefer her to be with a man who has a good mind than one who is a liar, a womaniser, or a thief with a master’s degree . . . But it would kill me to see him dressed with his pants below his waist and dropping off.”
• “You may not like your daughter’s choice, but you must be supportive. Sometimes the one you thought would be inappropriate ends up being the prince; while the one you thought would be the perfect match, ends up being the one who will hurt her the most.
“Never push her into something you may regret.”
• “I would talk to her and him about his manner and dress. As for his not being more qualified, I would not mess with that because if he is good to her, who am I to butt in?”
• “I would try not to lose my temper and forbid her to see him because that may make her cling to him more. Instead, I would explain to her why I have misgivings.
“The qualifications issue could be a problem, especially if she makes more money than he does. His way of dressing can be changed and his manner would only be a problem if it was offensive towards her. He might feel enough for her to ‘clean up’ or she might be able to encourage him to improve himself.
“My grandparents did not approve of my father because he was not as educated as my mum, but he turned his life around under my mother’s influence and earned the trust of my grandparents (especially after they married and I was born).”
• “You cannot tell the heart who to love, but I would hope that based upon my child’s upbringing, she would make the right or decent choice in a relationship.
“The reality is, money cannot make you happy. Therefore, whether the other person is just as qualified or not should not make a difference.
“As for his dress and manner being offensive, again, her upbringing, coupled with lifestyle values, plays a significant role in her life choices. When our children reach the age of accountability, we are not supposed to choose their paths in life.”
• “Who is to say that she can’t patch him up and make him the way she wants him?
“Women can be quite influential, especially in young love.
“I would not tell her that he is no good for her and less educated. If she really loves him, I would explain to her that in my opinion she has her work cut out for her.
“Sometimes we can only give advice and show our children what is good or bad, then leave them to make the decision for themselves.”
11 comment found!
: 11/28/2009
You cannot judge someone because they wear baggy clothes or are not as well educated. Who knows this young man maychange in the future with the daughter's help. Is it the problem that the mum disapproves because he is not up to her standards or status or does this man harm to her daughter or is his job not fancy enough for her I am confused.
Now if she had said he was constantly in trouble with the police or taking drugs then I would say banish him from the house and get her daughter away from him by whatever means necessary even if it meant getting her to leave the country
Secrets Corner : 11/28/2009
My grandmother always talked about "collar and tie vagabonds.You can't judge a book by its cover.Bajans put too much emphasis on looks,hair,where you come from and where you went to school
: 11/28/2009
My grandmother always talked about "collar and tie vagabonds.You can't judge a book by its cover.Bajans put too much emphasis on looks,hair,where you come from and where you went to school
Support Her or Lose Her : 11/28/2009
I think that this mother is right. OK he may not have a high education but the fact that he show 'NO'interest in bettering himself then I support this mother. If a man has little education but his trying to graft a better future for himself be it being self employed or working two jobs and going to class then I would be happy with him. But all in all this man shows NOTHING so this mothers daughter is going to get NOTHING. She will have to leave my home, visit me she can, but not under my roof
Dont Judge The Book By Its Cover : 11/27/2009
My son sports baggy clothes, however, he holding down 2 jobs and goin off to school which he payin for, even though he know the funds there for him to go. This young man beatin your child? mentally abusing her? or he just dont fit your type...more abusers male and female run to church on Sunday and worship with satan on Monday...them the respecable type dress right say all the right things, them also the ones out hornin the wife every night of the week.
Mother you sound like teflon...everything bout you and any advice goin get just goin slide off..
: 11/25/2009
None of us can live our lifes for our children, all we can hope to do is be supportive and be there for them when they need us, don't turn your back on your daughter becuase of her choice in partner, hopefully common sense will prevail and she will see and make a sensible choice for herself if you disown her etc, she will more likely cling to him even more, so be patient and chose your words carefully, should you be asked your opinion.
YOUND AND DUMB : 11/24/2009
GIVE HER A CHOICE HE GOES OR she Goes, i did it she move out only to return with a baby 1 year later, i told her hard ears your dont hear , now you will feel,then i close my door after wishing her good luck , her mum still bugging me about letting her come home,but after sitting her down and talking to her for over 2 hours, she made her choice, now i'm making MY CHOICE
Your Daughter Maybe Hurting : 11/23/2009
Mother, don't cry down your daughter and spend your time telling her what to do. Listen to her, she wants to say something. Is this male her first boyfriend? Was she raped at any time? How do you think she has arrived at a place to consider a man who she thinks would not pressure her in place of one that is her equal. Or, is he your daughter's equal? A university education does not mean that a person will make a wise choice of a mate. Is this young man doing things to your daughter that she is afraid of telling you, because your are not listening. We all have a story to tell. Listen to hers mother!
Been There, Done That : 11/23/2009
I was in a relationship that was wrong for me. My family pulled themselves away from me and I had no one but the man who was not good for me. I had no one to turn to and I stayed with him, because I wanted a friend. Please find the love in your hearts to rally around this young lady, and hopefully the thing that is blinding her will be removed.
Good Dear!
Support Her, and let her See for Herself. : 11/23/2009
There is nothing like seeing for yourself. All the family must turn around and be very sweet to your daughter and her friend. The sooner her eyes will be opened and she will see that the man she is with may not be the one for her. But, right now it is better for her to have Mr. Rat than Miss Cat. However, she is an adult, and some girls like the bad-boys.
Support her or lose her : 11/21/2009
My daughter dated some unsuitable partners and I treated them with respect because they were her chosen partners - (all through gritted teeth). The relationships went their term and she realised they were not for her. It was a difficult time but if I had told her that I wasn't happy with them, she would have stayed with them to prove me wrong. Her current partner appears to be ok, as none of us are perfect and she appears to be happy.
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