BY HARRY RUSSELL

I DO NOT CALL HIM VERY OFTEN, but I was short on conversation, also I was despondent after watching the news about Haiti, and so I dialled. I came away feeling confused, all my previous precepts questioned and the left side of my brain rejoicing.

He started: "Do you know that when God made man He was satisfied. He made him in His own image. Man had everything at his disposal. He did not have to work, just lime on the block, lay back and enjoy life."

In the far distance was the apple tree with a big sign printed in English, Spanish, French, German, Arabic, Sanskrit and Chinese - Prohibido.

"Man was lonely, wanted to share. Along came Evelyn and introduced him to the apple, the fruit of knowledge; and man did eat and his eyes were open. This did not please God at all.

"God turned to the man and said, 'By the sweat of thy brow thou shall eat bread, you foolish man', condemned to hard labour until the 21st century. Then He turned to the woman and said, 'As for you, you shall bear pain. Every month I will remind you. In addition, your other punishment will be the pain of child bearing'.

"And so throughout the ages, men sweated and women had pain and bore children and the division of hardship was shared just like the apple. Until recently, as it was written!

"Women have continued to bear children and are now taking over the role of men as well. They are sweating at the brow, bearing pain as well as bearing children. Treble punishment! Men on the other hand are trying to recapture their pristine state - lay back and relax. It looks like a complete takeover in the making or makeover in the taking.

"Today men are born of woman, feed at a woman's breast, grow up with a single maternal parent, are nurtured at kindergarten by a woman, begin primary school under the tutelage of a woman. Secondary schooling is performed at the hands of a woman. Men then go to university where the dominant attendance is 70 per cent female or men get into jobs where the bosses are women.

"The straw that breaks the camel's back is that in the end he gets married to a woman. Some fellows are defying the odds and are seeking to get married to a man. They are the freedom fighters, the underground, the guerillas; the correct word escapes me."

My friend did not let me speak. He continued, "women are so fed up with men that they are looking toward their own kind. Readers of the Dear Christine or Miss Reid columns would bear testimony of the myriads of problems women are facing".

"The Bible does not state what kind of apple was bitten; surely not an English apple because eating one every day keeps the doctor away. I believe it was a sugar apple, what the Jamaicans call sweetsop as against a soursop. A man would easily fall for that because of the sweetness, the enticement.

"And so men can now settle down and allow women to rule the world. Men initiate the process of making children but even so I hear that women are stockpiling sperm in a bank. That will be the end of man's usefulness even as leaders in the Caribbean. Maybe with women in charge, we may have Caribbean unity. Recidivism, it has even entered into the political arena."

And he hung up!

"Cheese don bred", how can he trivialise weighty matters?

l Any comments may be directed to Harry Russell at quijote70@gmail.com