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Saddened by husband’s hatred


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DEAR CHRISTINE,I am a woman in my 60s. I have been married  for  26 years and we  have four children.  The trouble Christine  is that my husband does not love me.He makes that  very obvious.I have lived  in a loveless marriage  for at least ten years,  but stayed for many reasons. One being  my last daughter,  who was taking common entrance, then cxc,  now she is at UWI.My husband does  not even pretend  that he loves me. He hardly says anything  to me, unless it has  to do with one  of the children, and then he’s very short with what he has to say.I have never really worked at a real job  or career, because  my husband, with my agreement at the time, preferred that I stayed home with the children.About ten years ago  I found that my husband was having an affair.  I was devastated,  but was willing to forgive him because I loved him and also for the sake  of the children.But what surprised  me at the time was that he didn’t seem to care that I had found out.  He didn’t care whether  I stayed or if I left.He didn’t even make  an effort to deny that he had another woman.Our marriage was going down slowly before that, but after that it just went downhill rapidily.Some may say I am stupid, because I kept hoping that we would rekindle what we  once had, but that  never happened.Now we live under the same roof, but lead completely separate lives.I am lucky because  I do lots of volunteer work and I have many friends, so I have a fairly active life, but when I go home some days, I feel so alone, especially at nights.My children support  me and I suppose they have learned to live with the situation.They are not hostile  to their father like they were when his affair first became known.What hurts me more than ever is that my husband does not even pretend that he likes me. It’s like I disgust him.  I often wonder what  it is I did, to turn him off.I have resolved that the marriage is over.  I have also decided  that I will not be the  one to leave the house.  If he wants, he can leave.But Christine, I admit that I hurt because  my husband did  not have the guts  to tell me why he hates me so.I am not interested  in any other man  and now only live  for my children.I am there for them whenever they need me.But I don’t think  I’ll rest easy until  I know what really happened to what appeared to be a happy marriage, what turned him off to the extent  that he so obviously  hates me.– SAD WIFEDEAR SAD WIFEIF after ten years you have been  unable to get the reason from your husband, I am not  sure what can be done now to make him open up to you.My advice is that  you do not blame yourself. Some wives tend to blame themselves for their husband’s infidelity.Your situation unfortunately is not unique. I get letters far too often from women in your situation.Some have made the bold step of branching out on their own after years of “security”; some have stayed because they were  not brave enough  and like you, some have stayed  hoping that things would change.The most I can say about your situation  is that from all that you have said,  it appears that you have found a way  to live not only  in a loveless marriage, but a loveless home, but still finding fulfilment in the life you lead.I would hope  that you can find  a way to move on emotionally. Your husband obviously has.You are still  a young woman relatively speaking  and should not allow the actions of this selfish man to rob you of true happiness.– CHRISTINE