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SECRETS’ CORNER – Avoid baby mumma drama


Sanka Price

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WE ALL WANT the best for our children in their every endeavour. As parents, that is our natural instinct.We strive too to steer our children clear of situations and individuals we think could harm them; and we seek wherever possible to influence them to make decisions that we feel are in their best interests.This week’s question – Your 30-year-old daughter is in love with a man who has three children under the age of five. She has no children of her own. She comes to you for your opinion on the relationship. What would be your advice? – arose out of a dilemma that one of our readers is faced with.Her daughter has always been a level-headed girl, but as far as her mother is concerned, the men she goes out with seem not to be on par with her or her ability. But her daughter never sees it that way.And so, as these guys were introduced,  one by one the mum rejected them and said why. But the daughter continued each relationship only to realise later on that the men really didn’t measure up to what she thought was possible.Because of this, the mother keeps wondering why her daughter can’t just take her word for it about these men or certainly look at the situation logically before getting involved with them, only for the relationship to fizzle.The mum wonders, too, if her daughter has some psychological challenge – a sort of fatal attraction syndrome – that makes her befriend men with issues. She believes this because her daughter keeps repeating herself in her choice of a partner.For this reason the mother not only said no to her child’s new man, but wanted the question circulated so that her daughter could see that other people would also give her similar advice.As the mum expected, more than 90 per cent of those who called, emailed and texted feel the daughter is wasting time pursuing this relationship. However, two of those who advised against the relationship suggested that if the man loves the daughter, then it might indeed work out between them in spite of the probable “baby mumma drama”. “You cannot tell the heart who to love; it just happens,” one opined. Knowing the facts of this case, we, too, feel the daughter should not get involved with this man. But as she is an adult she must decide what she wants for herself and whether she is prepared to handle the consequences of her decision.The following are edited versions of responses:• “Run like hell! Too much baby mumma drama. Find someone with less baggage.”• “Less than three years ago he was involved enough with another woman to have a child with her; or was careless enough to do so – whatever. This is not good husband material.”• “No one should be having so many children outside of wedlock. Children have a right to be born into a stable family relationship where there is a loving mother and father in a home. “The Bible is the wisest book. If you live by its life teachings, lots of complications – also known as baggage – would not exist.”• “The father has a responsibility to these children, and I fear at times they will have to take priority. As long as she is prepared to accept that, then maybe.  “Before becoming too involved she should first establish the relationship between the man and the children’s mother since this could impact heavily on the relationship.” • “If he left the mother with these little ones, what makes you immune to that behaviour if you decide to get a child?“He cannot have money to support a home and still maintain these three.” • “If he has custody of these children, she needs to think with her head rather than her heart. Is the life of a ready-made family what she really wants?”• “At 30 she should be sensible enough to make her own decision. That’s why you have to teach your daughters to keep their heads on and avoid complicated situations like this one. I always told myself that I did not want a husband with children from another woman. He would obviously have less time for me.”• “Give the man a chance. A lot of the time it’s the women’s fault that men run away from a relationship. Women never own up to wrongdoing. If the man is nice enough, give him a chance . . . Protect yourself from becoming pregnant until the time is right.“Some relationships do not have love and that creates problems. You may be the one the man is really in love with. Life is about taking chances.”• “For those women talking about too much baggage, maybe that is what men should say to you when you already have four children and you’re looking for someone to settle down with. It just shows how stupid and selfish some women are. Think about it and put yourself in the same position.”

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