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DE MARKET VENDOR – Lessons on marriage from a father-in-law

marciadottin, [email protected]

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IT WAS close to midnight Saturday and I was already surfing the net looking fuh cheap fares to South Africa to see the Bajan Champions of the T 20 tournament, Ryan Hinds and Bubbadus had the Guyanese lock off like a sheep in a Anaconda mouth  when all of a sudden the new face of West Indies cricket cancel my travel plans, imagine a boy name Foo looking more like he from Kanton than Georgetown cancel my ticket and carry the cup to G.T.Bishoo and Foo, the new faces in W.I. cricket, and none too soon, congrats Guyana! Bubbadus, wunnah lost de game when Foo get drop.Today belong to the “Billary show” as Bill and Hillary spent over US$3 million for Chelsea’s  wedding of the year. And there I was eavesdropping as the newly weds lay in bed after percolation, hubby Marc telling Chelsea all about his conversation with his new father-in-law when asking for her hand in marriage. Hear Marc, “all I did was ask de man if I could marry you and I get a lecture and some strange advice.”Bill: “Son I have have had you checked out by the FBI, KGB, M I 5, Scotland Yard, Interpol and Mark Shields formerly of the Jamaica  constabulary and son if you were not worthy there is a real chance you would now be dodging bullets in Iraq, I want you to know there is a lot more money where that $3.5M  came from. “Now son this next part is perhaps the most important piece of advice I will ever offer you, remember to do as I say and not as I did, all now I still tekking cold showers, the lady ain’t thaw yet, be faithful to her in your thoughts, words and deeds and it is your deeds that I want to spend some time on. “As you grow in your relationship, you are likely to see some of the early passion fade and you must be wary of the weakness fuh sweetness, do not and I repeat do not under any circumstances hire any young gorgeous, voluptuous interns and if perchance you should, always make sure she sits or stands in your presence but never ever let her crawl or get on her knees or bring you cigars.“And if by some bizarre and unfortunate occurrence you and her should end up naked pun de floor, never, ever send her any lovey dovey text or recorded voice messages later on telling her how sweet it was. These will be used against you in the future by some wufless journalist and gay Republican operatives. “Do not buy her expensive gifts or take her on trips like that fool from South Carolina andmake absolutely sure you do not engage in percolation with any lady who charges by the hour like Governor Spitzer, there will be no happy ending, remember what happened to me and Tiger! I was lucky, I pleaded forgiveness but Tiger brought out the cheque book and wrote one for $800 Million. “Further should you commit any indiscretion remember to lie convincingly, look the camera in the eye, speak with conviction, deny that you know the woman or ever slept with her. And if she catch you red handed ask she who she gwine believe, you, or she lying eyes? “Call in de Pastor and let him pray for you and the family, this will allow time to heal. And after that, sleep in a room with a good dead bolt and ensure that the wife does not have any sharp implements, cut up the vegetables youself and cook yuh own meals or eat at KFC for a while! Follow these simple rules Marc you are likely to have a long happy marriage, People Magazine will put you among the top 50 most gorgeous people in the world and paparazzi will follow you everywhere, The View will talk ’bout you and Saturday Night Live will frig you up frequently and then you will live happily ever after,the end.”Chelsea girl I left the room wondering “what the hell was Bill smoking this time and did he inhale?”I Market Vendor gone fuh now, you have a blessed and a wonderful day, yuh hear!

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