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THE LOWDOWN: Boobie trapped

Richard Hoad

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Ask a Bajan youth what a “hypocrite” is and he’ll tell you: “A lying pretender. Y’know, like those dudes who rant against capital punishment but all the while they’re hoping the future capital of Barbados will be Kingston, Jamaica or Georgetown, Guyana; the worst capital punishment one could inflict on our little sovereign nation.”
Which isn’t bad as definitions go. If, however, you asked Bajan stud muffin Mark Vision, he’d tell you “hypocrite” has an interesting “etymology”, coming from Greek, Latin and old French roots meaning an actor on stage, hence someone playing a part. So why is Mark so keen on philology and etymology?
Short answer: boobs!
Recently Mark introduced me to Hot-For-Words, an Internet site where Russian blonde Marina Orlova discusses the meaning and origin of words. No big deal until you realise Marina is sitting on her bed with lots of bosoms exposed. Which entices Mark to mark, learn and inwardly digest her info.
I know what you’re going to say: Hoad is a dirty-old-man pervert. Fair enough. But we have important educational and life-saving messages to get across to our young males. And if women can use their femininity in a tasteful way to achieve this, is this a bad thing?
There used to be an insurance saleswoman with nice legs and short miniskirts. I recall watching one day as her skirt crept ever upwards until I gasped: “Heaven help me, another inch and I’m going to see this lady’s epiglottis!”
“So, Mr Hoad, what about double indemnity?”
“Double indemnity? Gimme triple, quadruple, all the indemnity you got.”
Dentistry nowadays is a far cry from much beloved Dr Talma with his big band jazz in the background. Now a hot receptionist greets me with rapturous smiles. The female dentist takes my blood pressure. A slim cutie smears my too-dry lips with Vaseline. And then the hygienist, a wow, double-wow looker, comments on my haircut and takes over.
One day, she took off her mask, flashed her million-dollar smile and confided: “And now, Mr Hoad, I’m going to teach you how to brush!”
I protested that I already knew about that: moisten the instrument, usually a “hard” model, insert between the lips and do a vague circular motion.
All wrong. She explained how medium or medium-soft is all you need. Work on a small area, up and down and then sideways. Get right to the back and deep down inside. Never be rough or use too much pressure. The main thing (I actually wrote a calypso on this) is: “Don’t be in a hurry, Hoadie, don’t be in a rush; if you want a good job, take your time and brush!”
I’m now a brushing fanatic. Contrast that with the scare and bully tactics used to introduce seat-belts: forget to buckle up and you pay $500! Overkill with a vengeance.
That works for the same reason that slavery worked. But other important messages on AIDS, hurricanes, dengue mosquitos and reckless driving are largely being ignored.
Likewise obesity: “Get too fat and you could lose limbs or die young!” they tell us. Whooo! Scary! Who cares?
Instead, meet Zuzana. Zuz has an Internet site, a tight body and mucho cleavage between two big breasts. Once I watched one of her videos four times before turning on the sound.
She’s into fitness exercises and diet challenges: cut out soft drinks and sugar, reduce the carbos, eat smaller portions. The same message that Jack Leacock preached for years to no avail.
Sorry, Jack, no boobs. But I now try at every meal to stick to Zuzana’s advice. And suggest in our current crisis we have to go this way to get our messages across.
Nicole Garofano of Future Centre Trust has done wonders to highlight environmental issues with her dynamic personality. But no male could resist being mesmerised by the delightful package her message comes in.
Of course, our ladies also need effective persuasion. And who better to turn them on than Mr Suave himself – Stetson Babb in speedo and gold chain?
Come to think of it, I’m not sure “suave” does adequate justice to Stetson. Lemme check Marina’s Hot-For-words and get back to you.