SECRETS’ CORNER – Premarital affair
ENGLISH POET Alexander Pope once wrote, “To err is human; to forgive is divine.” That was our first thought when the frantic female caller began relating her dilemma, which is our question for discussion this week.
She said: “Can you imagine that? The man I was supposed to marry to had an affair three weeks before our wedding day seven years ago with his ex-girlfriend . . . . I only found out about it two weeks ago. [It came out when she] and I had a heated argument over her calling him so often . . . . He said it was a one-off thing, but how can I trust him? . . . How do you think I should
Something didn’t add up. Why would the ex-girlfriend bring up that incident now after seven years? Obviously, she is up to something, we thought. The wife explained that the ex-girlfriend went overseas after she and her husband had married. She got married a year later, but the marriage lasted about five years. She is now back here and keeps calling her husband to do things for her, and he keeps obliging. It was when she confronted her about it, that she revealed the incident.
It is clear the ex was trying to hurt the wife and that was the main thing she had to fling at her. We advised her
to talk it over with her husband and get him to put a stop to these calls. As for the affair, that was over and she should not jeopardise her marriage with suspicions and accusations.
We put the question to you, our faithful readers, and the following are the edited versions of some of the comments received:
• “Just hang in there because that was seven years ago; if it was more recent she would have told you that too. Once you don’t have a sexually transmitted disease or anything, praise God for the life He gave you and try to enjoy it.”
• “She’s the ex for a reason but he is still fond of her – that is why she still can call him. Give him an ultimatum – stop her calling or you are out of there.”
• “End the relationship. He obviously can’t be trusted. How are you to know how many more “one-off things” he has had and may still be having? The fact that he thinks the matter is insignificant shows the level of respect (or lack thereof) he has for you.”
• “Listen to what your heart is telling you. Don’t ignore your intuition because there may come a time when you cannot praise or thank anyone but yourself for allowing a cheating man to finally give you an STD!”
• “In the seven years that you and he were married there were lots of ups and downs in your life and you made it work; so why now after seven? Only you would know what you want in your life, but go to God in prayer and he will show you what to do.”
• “She may want you to leave him and may lie, but some women have no shame in telling you they are sleeping with your man. So ask her for specific times and see if it fits with the number of times he may have had to “work late “ or whatever excuses he had. . . . Either way it is a hard choice, but no matter what, if it is worth saving try to salvage it. Trust and credibility is hard to recover.”
• “The past is past, but if you are ever to start dealing with what happened, you certainly cannot do it with her in your face. He should respect you enough to know that.”
• “We are all humans and we all make mistakes. That was seven years ago and if that is all she can throw in your face, she has to be stupid. After all, he chose you to spend the rest of his life with.
• “Forgive him; we all slip up in life. He didn’t do it after marriage, so be committed to your marriage. She is trying to . . . break up your happiness. If he loved her, he would have married her. That said, he needs to set her straight.”
• “We have to learn to forgive each other for our mistakes. If he is worth it, give him a chance . . . . Forgive him ‘70 times seven’. You have already ‘invested’ seven years in this marriage – don’t throw these away. Everyone deserves a chance – we are not perfect. Get a medical check-up and both of you should seek counselling. To discourage further temptation, your husband must sever
all ties with his ex.”