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THE LOWDOWN: Froon and I


Richard Hoad

THE LOWDOWN: Froon and I

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The fromer and Freundel, the fromer and Freundel, heigh-ho the derry-o, they served Barbados well!  
Last week the Nation dubbed me a “fromer” and social commentator. That was no mistake. I am done with this farming foolishness.
Electricity costs have gone through the roofs which Tomas took off, feed prices following close behind. Repair bills like bush. No problem. We were prepared.
But five wild dog attacks in the last week, goats mauled; two missing, presumed dead. The old boy can’t hack it, trudging weary miles through brush and hills trying to do dog protection while the farm work suffers.
So, to hell with that! I’m going to be a fromer instead. More on that later.
First, however, apologies for the potshots at David Best and the Met Office last week. They are a dedicated bunch who take their responsibilities very seriously. They tried to pass on all available information to the DEM (Department of Emergency Management) and the general public.
Nor will I be tilting at the DEM’s formidable Judy Thomas. Judy had a difficult judgement call to make in the middle of a state funeral, understaffed and working out of a warehouse.
Besides, Judy just got gifts of several chainsaws and a big sledgehammer. Lowdown don’t mess with no dame equipped for head-bashing and chainsaw castration.
Instead let’s defer to Sherlock’s dictum: if you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth. Tomas caught Judy, David and everyone else with their pants down, his remarkable attainment of power unbelievable. This is not how natural hurricanes develop.
And the truth is, however improbable, that Tomas was not a natural hurricane. He was a man-made phenomenon. But created by whom?
I throw out four possible culprits: (1) an American experiment gone wrong. The Yanks, including Bill Gates, are applying for patents to stop hurricanes. Google “Bill Gates hurricane stopper: help for humanity or ecological disaster?”
(2) The Large Hadron Collider boys who have built a tunnel 27 miles long to create a big bang which will prove God doesn’t exist. They reported their first successful mini-big bang just days after Tomas.
(3) The Israelis who are apparently peeved that our new PM is named Freundel, a German derivation meaning “friend of El”. El, the father of Hadad, Yam and Mot, was a Canaanite desert god and the Mossad fear Freundel may support the Arabs.
(4) The Trinis who want to destabilise us and buy our National Bank cheaply. Professor Stephan Gift of the UWI, St Augustine, has just proved Einstein’s Theory of Relativity wrong. Einstein’s research made the atom bomb possible. Trinidad has apparently all along had a top secret secret service. Go figure.
I can reveal no more at present. Judy’s chainsaws are child’s play to what these big boys can do to you.
So, moving along smartly to froming, which can be froming policies and such like or froming at the mouth. In essence, I want to be fromer to PM Freundel, kinda like the kingmaker to David Thompson thing that Hartley Henry did for allegedly $155 000 per annum.
I don’t want that much. A little berry and a regular bread and two fish and I’m your man. Mainly I want to get Barbados back on the track to progress and prosperity.
First up, Froon, we’re calling in Sir Trottie and Bobby to sort out a serious Bajan worker problem. Every Bajan worker now works one-handedly while holding his cellphone with the other. I’ve seen a fellow using a shovel that way. That is his constitutional right.
The problem arises if your worker is wearing the ever popular pooch-crack pants which require constant grabbing at to stop them falling off. When he has to take a call and hold up his pants, you essentially have a handless worker, a disastrous situation if, say, you and he are lifting a heavy beam.
This and more coming soon as Froon and I take on the rebuilding of Barbados. This is going to be Barbados’ most productive partnership. And in years to come historian Trevor Marshall will be moved to set the exam question: “Thompy used his Hart; Freundel used his Dick. Discuss why the latter combination was the more successful.”
• Richard Hoad is a farmer and social commentator.

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