“You think it make sense for a woman to go back with a man after he unfair her?” asked the woman on the telephone. She was loud, and clearly disturbed.
Her problem is essentially this week’s question: Your relative has two young children for a man, but the relationship is an abusive one. She left him for several months, but they keep in touch because of the children. She is now determined to go back with him for the children’s sake. What would you advise your relative to do, and why?
In outlining the details of her niece’s relationship, this concerned aunt lamented the fact that young people didn’t usually listen to those more experienced than they are and contended, “You can take a cow to the water, but you really can’t make it drink”. The majority of those who responded to the question via text, phone calls, and on THE NATION’s Facebook page also said this woman should not return to her boyfriend. They advised:
• “Not only is she putting herself in physical danger, but she should look at the psychological effects an abusive relationship often has on children. The girls may think that it is okay for this to happen and allow it when they are older, and the boys may think this is the way one treats women and do it when they start their relationships.”• “Is that a good environment for children to live in? What if one of the children tried to intervene and ends up getting hurt? It is much more traumatic to bring children up in an abusive household than to leave.”
• “Is her decision about the children or what she really wants? Some women believe that as long as they have a child for a man they should remain with him to build a family setting, and the licks now and then could be part of that.”• “With help from people around her she can make it without him. With the exception of child support, there is no other reason she needs his input.”
• “If God Almighty didn’t change that man completely, stay where you are and learn to be alone. Ask God to make you stronger.”• “She needs to think about this. What happens when beating her isn’t enough? It won’t be long before he starts abusing the kids. Her priority should be to protect her children both physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally. By staying within an abusive relationship, she is not doing so.”
• “Time to grow up, pick her self-esteem out the toilet, seek help and be the mother God intended her to be when He blessed her with children. “• “If the relationship does not work from the start then it will never work the second time round. Children see, hear and feel what goes on in the household; they would be more happy away from an abusive father.”
• “She needs to get counselling for her and the children, so she can stand up for herself. Love shouldn’t hurt physically.”• “What he didn’t give you the first time he can’t give you now, and that is LOVE, because he himself most likely came from an abusive home. Unless he says, ‘I have a problem, I need help, and I want you to go with me so you can understand why I hit you’, don’t go back. It will be worse the second time around.”
• “For the love of your children, talk to them and really listen to what they have to say before making [what could be] a stupid decision.”• That she has managed for several months on her own proves that though it may be difficult, it can be done. I don’t suppose the children were worse off for it.” From what I was told it is clear the young woman is still very much in love with her boyfriend and in spite of what he did she is willing to give him another chance. I wish that I had heard from the young woman herself, because based on what I was told he did, I too would discourage her from going back with him.
