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THE LOWDOWN: Let’s rip stick

Richard Hoad

THE LOWDOWN: Let’s rip stick

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From time to time I visit the Nation to get my paper. So do many others. The only difference is I buy paper with nothing whatsoever written on it. It’s the empty roll ends which we use to dry the goats’ udders.
Trust me, a little emptiness isn’t a bad thing.
Us geezers of Carl Moore vintage have fond memories of Rediffusion, then the only radio station, going off the air for two or three peaceful hours every afternoon. Imagine, no transmitted noise anywhere!
Nowadays no firm can leave a phone call at “Hold a minute, please” without blasting you with music of their choosing. Which invariably makes me forget: (1) whom I’ve called, and (2) why I called them.
’Tis said an illustrious columnist once wrote: “This columnist has nothing to say to the world this week.” And left the rest blank. One doubts Editor-in-Chief Kaymar Jordan would buy that. Although, maybe B.C. could get away with it.
I don’t know. However, while waiting to get my paper last week, I noticed that the Nation (correct me if I’m wrong) has posted a “mission” and a “vision” statement. Moreover, I’ve suddenly discovered that every Tom, Dick and Harry nowadays has a mission statement (Why I exist) and a vision statement (Where I am going).
And this column doesn’t have either, which could be fatal even as our meeting with the E-in-C looms closer.
Let me, then, be up and doing, with a heart for any fate; and if it meets not with her blessing, swift termination anticipate.
Surely a lowdown’s mission must operate on two fronts: one, to give the inside story on events and issues; two, to do so in a sleazy lowdown way with frequent allusions to doobie-doobie and the lack thereof.
That latter part has always posed my greatest challenge, me being of a rigid and upright nature.
Okay, maybe not upright but close occasionally.
So, without further ado, let’s jump into today’s amazing revelations. First, I’ve always been uncomfortable with those modern “energy-saving” bulbs. Like most married men, I know there aren’t
any “win-win” situations. So how come a 20-watt consumption bulb can suddenly emit 100 watts of old-time brightness?
It can’t happen. That extra energy has to come from somewhere. And, my friends, here’s the lowdown: it comes from you! Haven’t you felt the energy being sucked from your very loins lately? And what about your flaccid performance in other fields?
Revelation two: haven’t you always wondered how come Eve got Adam to eat the forbidden fruit after which he would surely die? Just by cooing: “Cuddear, Ad, just a l’il piece, nuh?” and claiming she had been advised by a talking serpent?
Or could Salome get Herod to cut off J the B’s head just by wukkin’ up with seven veils?
No, there had to be a magic inducement in there, and I know what it is.
Last week I got an email from a devastating young Trini female which read as follows: “Hi, Richie Rich! On Friday morning (21st January), please join us to watch the sun rise over the Atlantic. Meet us at 5:45 a.m. at Cherry Tree Hill to watch the sunrise, have breakfast at Farley Hill and rip stick etc.”  
Okay, let’s deal with some reality here. Me, old married man; she, young married woman. Prospects, nil. So what on earth could induce me to leave my warm bed on a freezing morning to see a sunrise at 5:45 a.m.?
And not only me. John Rudder, solid, stable John Rudder was there, grumbling that his wife should have talked him out of it. “This is crazy” he quothed, as his breath froze in the morning air.
Actually, he had no choice. Nor did I. Nor would the Wild Coot or Georgie Ullyett. When a young lady invites you to “rip stick”, you go. Every male I’ve mentioned this to has confirmed he also would have gone. Although, get this, not one of them knew what “rip stick” meant. Nor did Adam or Herod who no doubt got a similar invitation. Nor am I going to tell you.
By the way, I still have to come up with a “vision”. Would “to go and see Laff-it-Off” work?