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SECRETS’ CORNER – Trust or bust

Sanka Price

SECRETS’ CORNER – Trust or bust

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TRUST IS KEY to the longevity of any relationship. Without it there is no basis for an emotional involvement with another individual, whether it is an intimate union, a personal friendship or a business association.
Whatever the nature of the relationship, the parties involved must have some measure of trust and confidence in each other to say and do things that will build their association, whatever the nature of it, and help it to flourish. 
At the intimate level, if a man or woman has doubts about their partner, they need to assess their reasons for being in that relationship and ask themselves if they have made the right decision to be involved with them. 
If they are not happy and resolve that they would be better off otherwise, they should leave if they can.
If they can’t leave, they may remain in the situation but look for ways to satisfy that missing element in their lives. Some find it through affairs, many go to church, others make themselves busy doing all sorts of things, while a few withdraw into themselves and become bitter – a totally unhealthy way to live.
This week’s question is about trusting one’s partner: For the last four months your partner has been getting a massage twice monthly from the same person, and gets it done in the nude. You found out only on her last visit that the person giving the massage is a man. Do you think she can be trusted not to have an affair with this guy?
There was an interesting divide between men and women who emailed and texted their views. For all but one man, the situation looked suspicious. But for the women responders, all but two dismissed it as not a big deal. Their views below speak for themselves. 
I would urge, though, that you speak with your partner whenever you’re in doubt about anything they do – and if you don’t like it, say so. That is not being miserable – it’s being proactive and engaging. A lot of the trust issues in relationships can be avoided if people simply speak up instead  of one day exploding after letting things fester and grow. 
The following are edited version of responses:
• “Maybe with all the secrecy and waiting so long to admit that it was a man doing the massage, doubts may occur; but that doesn’t necessarily mean that she would cheat.” 
• “If it was innocent, she would have said who was giving the message, but by withholding that information it means something is not quite right.”
• “Relationships are built on trust and I don’t believe on opening the door to the possibility of anything happening or causing your mate to distrust you by what may APPEAR to be a messy situation. Sure, it could be innocent but, given the scenario, doubts could creep in. It’s best to avoid all of that in the first place.” 
• “It’s a massage, for God’s sake. I got mine done by a man; that doesn’t mean I want to get down with him. Trust shouldn’t even be an issue here.” 
• “Almost all massages are done in the nude! And when I get a massage I prefer a male because they usually dig into muscles harder. So unless he is naked too and there’s no “happy ending” then there’s no reason to flip out.” 
• “She could be smart and tell you purposely about it to make you think nothing is going on and still be having an affair with him behind your back.” 
• “No, she can’t be trusted; things will happen eventually. Because she is naked, her mind might wonder off.” 
• “If it was so innocent, why didn’t she mention this and at least give you the option to know? And if you were to have a massage in the nude by a lady and she had to find out in the same way, how would she view this?”
• “Honestly, a massage can quickly turn erotic intentionally and unintentionally. I think trust is great in a relationship, but I couldn’t tolerate my wife in a state of vulnerability/ nakedness with another man. This shouldn’t have happened from the beginning.”
• “A relationship is based on TRUST. It’s up to each party to trust themselves and each other. A massage is usually done in the nude, and I would think it was incumbent on the woman to let her boyfriend know that she would be going to the masseur ahead of time. By the same token, he should tell her if he was going to see a masseuse. To the question – yes, she can be trusted until it is proven that something else is going on.”