SECRETS’ CORNER: Three’s a crowd
IF MOST MEN were honest, they would admit that at some time in their lives they fantasized about being in bed with two women. And I’m sure some women may have conjured up images of being with two hunks at the same time.
But few people ever fulfil this dream, and fewer would ever admit that they took part in a ménage à trois. They don’t talk about it because it is taboo – one of those unmentionable, forbidden, offensive topics.
As we mature and have partners, such flights of imagination about threesomes usually recede to the recesses of the mind, never to be thought of unless aroused by some stimulating film, literature or spirited conversation.
That’s why I was dumbfounded when I was calmly told to ask this week’s question: My husband wants a threesome for his birthday. What should I do?
At first I thought this young wife was joking. But she was serious and repeated her request. The responses of readers to her question were, for the most part, similar to mine – shock.
“Kick his sorry ass out the door – find yourself a guy that wants you,” screamed one woman.
“You should only agree to a threesome if there will be two men. See how much he wants it then,” said another.
One man declared: “Don’t do it! He will still love you, but find someone else to do it.”
Another said: “Do not do it if you are not comfortable with the idea. It is not clean anyway, unless the three people have been dealing each other exclusively after being checked by the doctor.”
Our concern is that though this experience could be an erotic and satisfying one, it could also complicate a married couple’s life. Such challenges would include the man having an affair with the outside woman afterwards; the wife becoming jealous and angry at the sight of her husband enjoying another woman; contracting a sexually transmitted infection (STI) from the woman; the wife getting pregnant; the wife developing a desire for this female as a sexual partner; the husband feeling resentful of the greater pleasure his wife seems to enjoy with the woman and not him; and how they face the individual in a social setting.
These concerns are real and have proven to be a backlash in these matters. So young wife, I would advise you not to proceed on this matter unless you are comfortable with being intimate with a woman, watching your husband with a woman, or first having her tested for various STIs.
The following are edited version of selected responses:
• “Marriage is a sacred bond between man and wife in the presence of God. Your husband agreed to forsake all others when he married you, so he should be with you and you alone. If you do it, you will break the promise you made in the presence of God.”
• “The situation can lead to lesbianism – something you might regret. If you decide to do it, limit penetrable cavities, use condoms and do not take pictures. One thing you need to answer for yourself is, can you handle the gossip if this woman turns out to be a blabbermouth?”
• “Tell him, ‘No problem’. It will be you, him and a divorce attorney. See if he still wants a threesome.”
• “Give him what he wants, but tell him he can have two other women and you shall be out having another man.”
• “Find a new husband. For him even to suggest such a thing lets you know that his mind is already wandering.”
• “Your husband is sick and needs urgent help. Marriage is about fidelity.
• “Some of you are just saying what you think is right. As long as both parties are comfortable and in agreement with it, why shouldn’t they explore?
‘A relationship [is about] satisfying both parties. That’s why a lot of cheating goes on in relationships: because partners don’t talk and let each other know what they like and what they can do to help spice up their relationship.
“If I want to do it on the roof of my house and my hubby is happy, to hell with others. Just talk it through and come to a decision that he and you are truly comfortable with.”
• “I find the husband very disrespectful. If he truly valued his wife and their commitment to each other, he would not suggest this. People like this need not enter into marriage.”
• “Girl, give your husband what he needs for his birthday; you may even like it.”