Dear Christine, I live with my boyfriend who is separated from his wife and two children. I am 29 years old and have one child from a previous relationship who lives with us.
I was not the cause of him leaving his wife. I met him after they were apart for about two months. He moved in with me about three months after we met. I know that seems quick but he really seemed like everything I was looking for in a man.
My problem, Christine, is that though he is loving and generous, he is very jealous and suspicious of my every move, so much so that he tries to stop me from going to dancing and PTA meetings like I used to.
This situation is worsening because the more I refuse to bend to his will, the more abusive he has become.
Before he just used to drop remarks about why I have to go out so much and why I can’t stay in with him. Now he is insisting he must come with me, and when I say no, he makes all sorts of nasty statements. But I refuse because he doesn’t really like dancing and finds PTA meetings a bore. To take him to dancing, in particular, would only make me miserable when I should be relaxed and enjoying myself.
I keep telling him that I am not his wife; she may have cheated on him but I am not that type of person. What’s more, I keep reminding him that, from day one, I told him I left my child’s father because he was a cheat. So that is not something I would ever do.
Despite all of that, he can’t get it into his head that I am with him.
I am at my wits’ end. I care for this man, but I cannot continue this bickering and ill feeling his jealousy is causing.
What is most distressing for me is that my son really adores this guy and they get on well. As his father has no role in his life, I was heartened to see him take to my boyfriend. I would not like to break up with my boyfriend and have to deal with my son acting up again as he did when I left his father.
Christine, how do you think I should handle this situation?
– GS
Dear GS,
Your boyfriend has issues of trust occasioned by the infidelity of his wife which he needs to resolve. Put another way, he may have become involved with you “on the rebound” and so was not really ready for another committed relationship.
Because of this, he is not coping well in your relationship where he is faced with opportunities for you to cheat on him as well. And as you are determined to do what you intend to do regardless of his objections, this is why he is becoming abusive.
I am sure he knows you are different from his wife, but because he has an issue with trusting women, he is finding it difficult to bridge this gap.
This must indeed be a very frustrating situation for you as it’s not easy living with someone and caring about them, yet they doubt your honesty.
I would suggest that before you take any drastic action like asking him to leave, you encourage him to go for counselling. As some men see doing this as a form of weakness, you need to keep on him on this matter, and give him an ultimatum if necessary.
– CHRISTINE
