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I CONFESS: It’s like hell living home

BEA DOTTIN, [email protected]

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I really need help. I am constantly treated like garbage by some members of my family. They are very wicked and spiteful.
Since I lost my job earlier this year and have to stay at home, their behaviour is so bad and disrespectful that my life is now a living hell. Let me try to explain my situation to you.
My father left my mother when I was a little girl. She had to fend for us all alone and it was not easy for her. So I grew up very poor and miserable.
At school I was bullied almost every day; then I came home to an abusive situation – my brother used to trouble me all the time.
Because of these things through the years, I used to be depressed a lot, and this led to a suicide attempt. I also hurt myself whenever I feel like the world is too much to bear.  
Through it all, however, I learnt well at school. In fact, my books were my only escape from the poverty, abuse and strife in my life.
But after my CXCs, something went wrong with me. I honestly don’t know what triggered it, but after school I just went into this depressive state and I didn’t want to be around anyone; I just wanted to be alone.
It took me two years to get out of that. Now I’m back in it and it’s worse.
This all started when I was set up on my job by a man who wanted to sleep with me. As I did not let him do it, he would tell lies on me and do a number of things to make it look as if I did not know my work, so eventually the people got rid of me.
I used to work hard there but, nonetheless, I lost the job because of that man’s wickedness. I’ve been unable to get over what happened. My frame of mind is not strong, not even close to being as courageous as it needs to be. And now I just feel lost.
The biggest problem for me is that I have developed a massive fear of people as a result of my depression and what I’ve been through over the years. I’ve become overweight to the point where I feel humiliated whenever I go outside, so I have become totally anti-social.
I don’t want anyone to see me. I feel as though I want to commit suicide to free myself from the pain of this life. I am trying to fight these feelings, but it is not easy in my situation.
One of my main problems is the debt I am in. I don’t know what I’m going to do about it as I have no money. When I was working, I gave it all to my family to help pay bills and to fix our house. All my savings have gone to them too, and now I have nothing in reserve as I never expected that I would lose my job.
The thing is, despite giving them everything that I worked for, they still put me down. No matter what I do, the insults keep coming.
For example, I clean the entire house myself and do all the yard work, but even that does not matter. They want money to help run the house. I just don’t know what they want me to do.
My abusive brother makes things a 100 times worse. He brings girls in the house and has sex with them, whether we’re there or not. He has all the power in the house and feels he’s untouchable. He goes around the neighbourhood and tells lies on me. I just don’t know why he picks on me so.
Right now I feel powerless. I feel ashamed of myself. I’ve suffered so much at his hands, and nothing is done to make him stop. He calls me nasty names all the time, and my mother does not do anything about it.
All I want is peace, but I just constantly get stress. His words are like poison, and they hurt badly.