ON THE OTHER HAND – Get those demons!
Great news, folks!
For all those possessed with demons, educational or otherwise, I’ve found the perfect solution. It can be yours for next to nothing.
I just ordered over the Internet 10 000 special self-exorcism kits that anyone can use to tackle their personal demons. The kit, which comes from Demons-Rn’t-Us.com, also allows you to perform exorcisms on your spouse, your teenage kids, your boss, your dentist, the entire Department of Inland Revenue, and anyone you meet in the supermarket who believes we’re coming out of the recession.
I’m selling each kit for $19.99. Money-back guarantee if not completely exorcised.
But wait, there’s more!
With the self-exorcism kit you get, at no extra cost, a possession tester with 100 free chemical testing strips included.
If you’re uncertain whether you’ve been impregnated with the demonic spore of Satan, you can now check for yourself using the testing kit.
It’s easy to use: simply rotate your head 360 degrees and vomit onto the chemical testing strip. If it turns red, you’re possessed by the devil; if it turns blue, you probably just ate some stolen vegetables; and if it turns green, you’ve been stealing copper.
Now you can exorcise from the comfort of your own home. No more flabby abs or droopy buttocks, sure signs of demonic possession.
Ladies, now you can start your own little home exorcise groups, where you get to stick pins in our special dolls bearing an uncanny resemblance to your ex-husbands (batteries not included).
Men, don’t worry, you’re not left out. You too can have your own demonoes and exorcise session. You’ll see how quickly the spirits vanish!
I’m offering schools a 20 per cent discount on any orders over 50. These exorcism kits will turn unruly possessed students into meek and mild choir boys in no time.
All you do is say the special anti-demon incantation, apply a pint of castor oil internally (to the student), rub his back with shark oil and turpentine, whack him 666 times with a cou cou stick and dump him on the front steps of the Ministry of Education.
When you get him back, he’ll have his shirt tail tucked in and will pass the 11-Plus with flying colours. If he happens to speak in tongues non-stop, well, you know where that comes from.
This kit will rid you not only of demons, but also dengue mosquitoes, sand flies, crab lice, and even premature baldness or excessive hairiness.
There’s more! Order right now and you’ll get a free bag of anti-Satanic seaweed for spreading at your front and back doors. Guaranteed to keep away demons, African snails, canvassing politicians and pesky in-laws.
Wait, there’s still more!
If you call right now, you’ll get a 50 per cent discount on my special agro-eco-burial plots. Upon your demise, your demon-free corpse goes in the ground with 100 kilos of seaweed. Then we use the same plot to grow veggies for your family.
In one year’s time your loved ones get to enjoy heads of lettuce, hands of bananas, belly pumpkins, ears of corn, hearts of artichoke, black eyed peas, kidney beans, sweet potatoes, navel oranges, five finger fruit and a couple of nuts.
When they bite into a veggie they have instant recall. No better way for them to savour all those precious memories of you. We take recycling and organic farming to a whole new level.
Plus they get to keep that lovely coffin they paid an arm and leg for. We disinfect and exorcise it and deliver it to your home for free. Your family can use it as a coffee table, a linen chest, a conversation piece or even an extra bed for an unexpected overnight visitor.
Banish all those demons that have been plaguing Barbados. Now you too can keep up with the Joneses.
Order now and I’ll send you a free CD of Abba songs played backwards.
Peter Laurie is a retired diplomat and a commentator on social issues. Email [email protected]