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I CONFESS: I’m not carrying my lover’s baby

BEA DOTTIN, [email protected]

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I?have a real?problem that I need some advice on; and though this column is not for such, please print this letter as people talk about what is written here, so I will hear what I should do.
I cannot give too many specifics as somebody may put two and two together, but I shall try to be as honest as I can.
I am pregnant and my boyfriend is really happy because he has no children. I am happy too because I really love him. He is the first man I ever really cared about. He is kind, loving and generous to a fault. He respects me and listens to what I say. With him by my side I feel I can achieve anything.
But there is a complication.
The child I am carrying is not his.
It belongs to my last boyfriend.
I know it is my ex’s baby because when I count back, it would have happened when I stupidly went by him and he took advantage of me.
What happened was that I called it quits with him and a few months later, started going out with my new friend.
However we still talked now and then. One evening he was really depressed about a family matter and he turned to me as usual.
So I went over by his house and we talked quietly for a while until the conversation turned to us.
That’s when he got really angry. He started pushing me and accusing me of leaving him for another man. I never saw him behave like that before. I could not get away from him and after a struggle he forced himself on me. I could not stop what happened and he did not use any protection.
After he was finished he apologized, but I slapped his face and left.
I never told anybody because I figured they would say it was my fault as I should not have been at his house like that. But we were friends and I never thought he was capable of anything like that.
Anyway, I am now pregnant and I’m sure the baby is his. I cannot tell my boyfriend as he would obviously leave me and I love this man.
I cannot tell my mother or sisters either. I know they would be supportive but if we ever got away, they’d be sure to say something because that is how they are.
So what can I do?
I feel badly about this, especially since my boyfriend is so happy.  
I feel even more guilty when he goes out spending on baby clothes and bragging to his friends about his baby.
I know within myself that I was raped and so I did not cheat on my boyfriend. But still, I am carrying my ex’s child and I can’t even think about having an abortion – not with how my boyfriend feels.
I’m scared that my boyfriend will find out about my deception when the child is born, so I’m thinking of telling him, but how could I? That would kill him, and I don’t want to hurt him. That is my dilemma.

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