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Thrill of horning?


Harry Russell

Thrill of horning?

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AS EVERYONE KNOWS, I am a big fan of Dear Christine. Every reply that she gives to ladies who are seeking exoneration bears the same imprimatur: “Have nothing to do with married men.” And still the ladies write, hoping against hope that Christine would endorse their affair.
When women complain that they have a cheating husband, she admonishes them for allowing the affair and recommends that either the men mend their errant ways or get counselling and go to church.
Indeed I am a bit concerned when I notice so many women writing, hoping to get her blessing for seeking married men’s favours. But alas, she consistently takes the high ground and tells the poor women to leave people’s husbands alone. Often she reminds them that what God has joined together, let no man or woman put asunder.
Well, just the other day a woman wrote to tell her that she is fed up with men giving horns.
“Two can play the cheating game,” she said. No longer is cheating the prerogative of men. She candidly declared that just as married men could cheat, so could married women.
Men have now lost another privilege that they thought was exclusively theirs. They were at creation made to sweat at the brow. Women have taken over sweating at the brow, bearing pain and now claiming dominion over horning.
The saying “the female of the species is more deadly than the male” is an aphorism that now sends chills up the spine of many men.
“Man smart, but woman smarter” has been drilled into our heads by the old people. This lady says: “If he finds out about me, that’s just too bad.” Such gall!
On the other hand, the other day a famous athlete caught by his wife in an extremely compromising position with a lady did not offer the excuse that they had got into a fight and he had lost his clothes; he opted to jump over the verandah rail from a two-storey building and was gathered up by the grim reaper.
Men have been warned to learn to take a horn. As the days get more gloomy, more and more horns will be shared, men-wise, and that advice should be heeded.
The fact that this debate is now out in the open is in itself a sign of the times and the advice given by Christine to the writer of the letter may not be adequate. Should the woman not be told to enlist right away in some martial arts class?
I read a story circulating on the Net. A man was gravely ill and was being comforted by his loving wife. Fearing that he was at the point of death and not wanting to face Saint Peter with evil deeds on his conscience, he decided to confess.
“Beth, I have something to tell you,” he whispered.
“Shuuh,” she cajoled, trying to calm him.
But he insisted: “I have to tell you before I go.”
“No, darling,” she again whispered.
However, the man insisted.
“I had carnal knowledge with your sister . . . and your daughter . . . and your mother.
“I know, darling,” said the wife, still whispering, “that is why I poisoned yuh backside.”
Not all women will give tit for tat. Men are warned that having extra-curricular activities can be a botheration.
Not all women will retaliate like the woman in the papers writing to Christine.
Men, watch for the kettle boiling! Cou cou is a favourite lethal dish. Search the bottom of the soup pot for the cock lizard. Cocoa-tea can be doctored.
If the woman is Guyanese, the “bora” can disguise any telltale taste. If she is Jamaican, make sure the ackee ripe before picking. Do not be foo-foo and confess. Good luck!
• Harry Russell is a banker. Email [email protected]

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