DE MARKET VENDOR: Eleven letters for Christmas
Christmas is a time when yuh does remember people that you didn’t speak to de whole year, contact yuh friends and family overseas and write plenty letters and postcards.
Dese days, De Vendor does write one email and send it to everybody wid wha’ de fellas does call a email blast, but dis year, I done wid dat, I gine back to writing letters. I writing 11 letters and 11 only, one fuh each month of the year and ah tekking one month of vacation from letters.
A cricket team got in how many people? Eleven, not so? These days de West Indies team could use 14! A football team, 11 that does mek a team, correct? De coach might mix up how de players position, but add them up it is still 11. To get into a secondary school, what exam yuh got to pass? Yuh don’t sit a ten-plus exam or a nine-plus! De exam in Bubbadus is called de 11-Plus exam!
Bubbados is a place of many parishes but when last I check, we got exactly 11 parishes. Down in St Lucia on election night, my boy Kenny Anthony was sure he had de government when he had 10 seats but when he got to 11, it was all over. He might have 11 members in de cabinet.
Sometimes, people does look at 1 and 1 and get 11! I check my pocket this morning and I had exactly $11 and it was 11 o’clock. Big fetes ‘bout here don’t get started till 11! Most nights, I does go to bed at 11! Which means I does miss most big fetes! De first girl I did really like was when I was 11, but she was 14! There was a time when De Vendor could eat 11 Peronne ham cutters!
So, to my 11 letters:
1. Letter to motorists. Only fools block others cars and create gridlock in roundabouts, use yuh kidneys, please!
2. Letter to Minister of Works John Boyce.?Sir, all dem roundabouts in Warrens look like madness and a waste of money, motorists don’t know how to use roundabouts!
3. Letter to West Indies captain Sammy. Please stop celebrating failures. Wunnah lower de bar pun West Indies cricket so low not even a limbo dancer could get under de bar!
4. Letter to de critics of the duty-free shopping day in Bridgetown. People does only pelt stones at a mango tree that bearing fruit!
5. Letter to Kamla. Dear Kams, done de ole talk, fix de fishing agreement, it ain’t that complicated to sort out.
6. Letter to Patrick Manning. Close yuh trap, nobody want to hear from you again, yuh had yuh time and yuh failed.
7. Letter to IMF. Just so we clear, explain how you conclude that unemployment in Bubbadus is over 12 per cent.
8. Letter to Postmaster General Joel Brathwaite. If you get a letter addressed to someone on Bay street and it got 11 return addresses, De Vendor want a copy!
9. Letter to de Central Bank Governor. If de banks don’t lower the 21 per cent rates pun credit cards, send them a letter!
10. Letter to Santa. Thanks fuh de presents I anticipating, tangible and intangible. Thanks be to de Lord fuh we new Bishop Jason Gordon from Trinidad, a good man. Thanks fuh we good health and de little wealth if we got some. Praise and thanks fuh life and fuh family and friends, de greatest gifts of all.
11. Letter to Prime Minister Stuart. Do what thou hast to do and fire one wid De Vendor this Christmas, or 11!
I, Market Vendor, gone fuh now. You have a blessed and a wonderful day, yuh hear!