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THE LOWDOWN: Official orificial efficiency

Richard Hoad

THE LOWDOWN: Official orificial efficiency

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How come I see, and now you see, but the maguffies cannot see, there are too many orifices all around and this whole place bound to shut down. – With apologies to Holly.
I was never a fan of The Caribbean Court of Justice. I fear outsiders, including the British Privy Council, will be swayed by their personal views for or against capital punishment.
But I may have to do a rethink on the CCJ.
Here is the background:
Fact 1. Drugs are the bane of today’s society, leading young people into gang culture and crime.
Fact 2. This country has the right and duty to stem the import of illegal drugs.
Fact 3. Illegal drugs are being brought in concealed in women’s female orifices.
Fact 4. Therefore, where reasonable suspicion exists, these orifices must be searched.        
Enter the CCJ. For, following a complaint from a Jamaican woman, we are told that Their Lordships will be asked to specify the “minimum treatment” foreign nationals should receive at their port of entry. Obviously including orificial searches.
This will be no easy task. How many “delicately probing forefingers” (the approved technical term) shall be employed? What sort of restraint if the subject is uncooperative? Should sniffer dogs do the job?
Should the search be videotaped to ensure it was decorously done? (Running the risk, however, that it may be leaked to Yourtube.)
Women vary in these matters. My wife while spreadeagled for a gyno exam was not pleased when a platoon of students trooped in, including a dweebie fellow who was in her class at school.
In contrast, another was “thrilled” when three handsome young French gynocologists passed through while she was similarly arrayed during childbirth. She ceased her bawling and smilingly acknowleged their admiring exclamations of “Magnifique, n’est-ce pas!”.
Likewise with dogs. A lady who came here for milk would laugh happily while a Dobermann we had nudged her most rudely. But another who visits regularly dreads the attentions of our little Sprank.
“Eek!” she screamed recently. “His nose is in my gooks!”
All this could be avoided if Portia would suitably instruct her womenfolk. Instead of which, however, she wants to make buggery more acceptable, thereby opening up even more unpleasant avenues for the concealment of drugs.
Well, if the CCJ can pull this one off, could we not put them to tackle some of the other orifices crippling our public life.
Consider, for example, big maguffies like Attorneys General, Chief Justices, legal beagles, Members of Parliament. How come none of them can see that if a man commits 22 burglaries and is sentenced to 56 years in prison, but will only serve a maximum of five years, something is very wrong?
The Chief Magistrate complains, we out here groan, beaten and broken homeowners tremble, but that’s all the law allows. And the travesty of concurrent sentences repeats itself over and over. Surely an orifice that needs closing.
And now we have obvious orifices in the education system. All this cumbersome foolishness about protocols and procedures leading to an impasse at the Alexandra School.
Most of our National Heroes got their fame by open and sometimes violent disregard for authority. Our teachers are called upon to instruct their pupils to revere such heroes. And when said teachers experience perceived unfairness, you expect them to meekly accept it?
Deal with these orifices, CCJ. Make them whole.
One last thing. According to geologist Bob Speed, “in earlier years, say, 350 000 years ago, Barbados probably extended well east, perhaps several kilometres or more, off the present eastern shoreline . . .”. In other words, the island was oval shaped.
Then the whole northeastern kaboodle slid into the sea due to tectonic faults and surface erosion, leaving the vulnerable Scotland District exposed.
Serious erosion is taking place in this area and we are making much less effort to control it than in former years. Horse Hill, White Hill, Morgan Lewis Hill – the hills are alive and seemingly on the move again.
The separation of Jeff Broomes from the Alexandra is a trivial issue compared to the separation of Barbados into two islands if the island’s soft underbelly is not protected. Action required, pronto!