Why can’t I find a good man?
Should I date a man who is already married?
If these questions have you stumped, then look no further. Delores Callender-Taylor a Barbadian author of God Where Is My Husband and Don’t Give Up and the head of Unleash Ministry talks candidly about the struggles single women have with themselves, men, sex and relationships.
1. Do you think women need to change their thinking when it comes to men and relationships?
It is quite easy for human beings to rationalize our thought processes based on our experiences or our loved ones’ experiences. With respect to relationships, many single women, in particular, are feeling jaded and non-trusting of men. This may govern every approach and poison what can potentially be a healthy friendship or even a future marriage. It is very easy to be guided by our perceptions and our unresolved pain.
Having said this, as women we should constantly check our thought patterns about how we perceive men and life in general because we can become how we think. If we think anger and bitterness, we become the very thing we despised. The Bible talks about a man or woman becoming what has mastered them. If you are a woman struggling with a negative view of men in general, a great strategy that works is to commit your struggle in prayer.
We should continually pray for men so that they can rise up to be the men that God created them to be. We have to pray for their choices and the temptations that work against upright choices. As women we were given gifts of discernment and mobilization skills to intercede and effect change, not only in our lives but in the men who surround us. As we pray for our mates, brothers, uncles, nephews and sons, we are in fact sowing into fertile fruits for generational blessings to eliminate generational curses.
2. Are women really buying into this idea of a man shortage and making bad decisions when it comes to men?
Certainly in many respects. From my own calculations with a ton of women (via conversations, counselling, praying or simply liming), the general consensus that single women proffer is that there is a shortage of men, which compounds a very challenging situation. No amount of spiritual reasoning, such as God’s sovereignty and providence, can serve to build faith to replace the desperation that flocks from the reasoning that propels the view.
Statistically speaking, we know that the female population is larger so that becomes the crucifix for most women when frustration, impatience and anxiety threaten. I have often posed a very bold question to debating and frustrating women who forget about God’s promises to those who surrender and trust Him.
I have boldly queried if there is a shortage of single men who would be available to have sexual intimacy with them, and the answer generally is no, there is always a surplus of “hissers” and “pushers”. Actually, when transparency is present, my sisters would even admit to having the sexual intimacy but desiring marriage and commitment. It is at this juncture that I would query, “Where is the man shortage?” So the question is raised: is it so much a man shortage or a commitment shortage?
3. Are you concerned that women don’t really love men anymore?
I am not really concerned about this as much as I am concerned that some women don’t seem to love themselves. It is impossible to focus on loving another when you are walking around with an unloving spirit that dresses up itself to look confident.
I am most concerned about women loving God most because God is our source of reciprocal love, and symbolizes for us how we should view relationships. The husband and wife relationship for example is meant to symbolize Christ and the church. So when we love ourselves and others through the lens of God, we are able to acknowledge that sex does not equal relationship, and desperation and loneliness should never propel unhealthy dating.
4. How should women view sex in relationships?
I believe I prematurely touched on this in the above question when I said that sex does not equal relationship. It bears repeating that too often women think that if they provide great sex it would propel the relationship. This is inaccurate! This is the wrong reason for desiring a relationship.
In Genesis, the Bible sheds light on the covenant reason for man/woman relationships, when God stated that it is not good for man to be alone, and offered to create a helpmate. Understand that as each other’s helpmates we cannot complete each other – only God can fill the void in our lives. Unfortunately, many relationships sour because one or both persons expect the other person to be their entire source of fulfilment.
5. Do you think that women’s attitudes towards men and relationships have changed, and as a result have affected the dynamic in male/female relationships?
There appear to be a schism and cynicism growing particularly with respect to single women and their perception of men. There are elements of distrust and features of disappointment and disrespect. I have been privy to much discussion that single women in particular have voiced.
The cynical outlook features elements of suspicion of the motives that men may have for pursuing relationships.
From a North American perspective, another dynamic that comes into play is the element of race. Many black women in North America are believing that black men are just not interested in pursuing relationships with them. We therefore see elements of blaming, judging, distrust, and bad-mouthing. What is at stake is the natural and complimentary man/woman relationship that was intended from the beginning.
6. What must women do to get themselves back in alignment so that their relationships can be successful?
As women we have to get the right relationship in the right order. Our relationship and intimacy with God should be foremost. When that relationship is in order, we are best able to see ourselves through the lens of God which propels favour, integrity and fulfilment.
Furthermore, we would not walk around with self-esteem but with God-esteem. Our purview of our relationship will reflect the wonderful differences that are present between men and women and how those differences can add and not detract. We would appreciate that sex is a gift from God to be appreciated and not abused. We will recognize that our husband or wives cannot fulfil all our needs but by being equally yoked we can build ministry and purpose into the marriage.
If you are unmarried and are dating or expecting to date soon, the most important facet of your life is to recognize that God knows your need and is able to supply beyond what you can imagine. While you wait on your knight in shining armour know that God wants to continue to develop you in the waiting, so while you wait, think of what God is trying to refine and replenish in you.
