I CONFESS: Unions: more about lust than love
There’s no denying that sex is critical to every relationship. But what I have difficulty with is the emphasis men place on it, seemingly without realizing the difference between that and love.
From personal experience I find that men always want to have sex. They don’t care how tired you are, how stressful your day was, if you are in the mood or if the children are still be up – nothing so. They tend only to be interested in satisfying themselves.
It baffles me how men don’t seem to understand that sex for women is more than a physical act.
We women like to be cuddled, hugged and fussed over. We are happiest when our man shows us his appreciation in a kind word, an affectionate kiss, walking and holding hands or just lying down together, chatting.
I am one woman who believes that you don’t have to take your clothes off with a man to have a good time. I didn’t always think so, but experience has taught me that from the time sexual relations start, the romance lessens because just about every bit of affection a man does afterwards tends to lead to one ending.
This is the one thing about relationships I find a turn-off. And given what I have been through, believe me, I know what I am talking about.
My concern, though, is for those young women who move out of their mother’s house to shack up with a man. I keep seeing this happening with disastrous effects most of the time, as they and the man often separate after a few months to a couple of years at most. And sometimes the union has produced children – which makes the split even more complicated and emotionally challenging.
What hurts me about this trend is that too many of these young women go from living with one man to another, so that by the time they are between 28 and 35 they have often shared their body with three or more men, and may have one or two children.
Unfortunately, what they usually don’t have is the warmth of a close relationship with a man who genuinely cares for them.
For those reading this who have not been through this, it is one of the most painful experiences a woman has to deal with. Many feel hurt and lonely, but most are often bitter about how they were treated; how they spent their youth giving of themselves and not getting what they expected in return.
I can boldly say these things because this is what I went through, what each of my sisters, my two daughters and most of my friends went through. Now I’m watching a couple of my young nieces doing the same thing.
I lived with three different men in 14 years. I gave them everything a woman could give a man, including a child each. I was faithful, gave them as much sex as they wanted, cooked, washed, ironed and cleaned for them, yet in each case it came to naught.
That has been my bitter experience.
After a while, each of these men cheated on me because they did not love me.
I can say now that when I look back at those days, I realize that the men in my life were in the relationship more for lust than love. It was about sex and having a good time together, not anything substantial like building a deeper understanding of each other and building a future together.
As we started our relationship on the wrong foot, no wonder it didn’t last.
Given these experiences, I have tried talking to young women I get close to and realize they are falling into the same trap as I did. But like typical young people, they know everything, so they don’t take me on.
That’s why I’m using this column because I feel very strongly that young women should not be sleeping around. They really do themselves an injustice and only end up getting used.
And let’s face it, if you keep doing something the same way and keep getting the same bad result, then you have to be doing something wrong. That is what women continue to do by moving in with their men at a young age. And that is why so many of them get hurt.