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SECRETS’ CORNER: Sex for her is a chore

Sherie Holder-Olutayo

SECRETS’ CORNER: Sex for her is a chore

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Comedian Steve Harvey said in his book that sex was a major point of contention for many couples.
He also said that if women thought that it wasn’t important to men, then women should think again.
Sex is such an integral part of marriage that couples don’t often realize how important it is. Often, it can be seen as a barometer for the health and intimacy level of a relationship.
In fact, some people claim it’s just as important as trust and communication.
So, if it’s so important, then why do couples have issues?
Couples often underestimate the importance of sexual compatibility in relationships that can cause problems later on. Finding a partner who enjoys sex and is comfortable with their body and giving and receiving pleasure is essential for a happy marriage.
Unfortunately, some people don’t realize how important a healthy attitude toward sex is to a marriage until they run into problems with their partner.
That was the inspiration for this week’s Secret’s Corner question from a husband. He said:
“My wife treats sex and making love like a chore in that she tends not to be emotional about it. I am the first man in her life, but I have experience. How do I get her to understand that showing enjoyment for sex is not unChristian and it would not degrade her to engage in oral sex? She grew up with her grandmother and has taken in all of that grand old lady’s hang-ups.”
While this was a discussion this couple should have had before marriage, at least you can commend the husband for trying to seek solutions.
A woman said: “She has a good husband, seeking advice instead of seeking help and enjoyment elsewhere.”
Another opined: “If you make it good for her, she will forget all those grand ma hang-ups! You need to blow her mind, that’s all!”
While some people commended the husband for seeking advice, others felt he should seek his pleasure elsewhere which could only lead to bigger problems.
One reader said: “The first mistake was to be of the world and take a woman who does not know the world and is not even trying to know it.
“Sex is the key to a relationship and without it, the only way the relationship would work is if both people are old. I think this guy needs to get an outside woman to do what his wife is not doing and keep his wife in a glass case.”
While I wouldn’t sanction infidelity as a means to finding a solution, it might benefit both of them to sit through some therapy sessions to find out what is going on in his wife’s head. Very often, women grow up with attitudes and hang-ups about sex that are not their own, and often belong to the people who raised them.
The husband needs to let his wife know that even God sanctioned sex in the Bible, because he knew how important it was for marriage. Maybe getting some pastoral counselling where they can be honest would help to strengthen their relationship.
One woman commented: “I would suggest that they both look at some porn movies to get some ideas because he might be thinking that he has this world of experience and doesn’t really know what he is doing.
“I believe if he is really any good, she would have no other choice but to be ‘emotional’ and expressive in their love making activities, so maybe its best both of them get some ideas to work with.
“They can also seek out one of those sex therapists (I hear there is one somewhere in Black Rock) and get help if all else fails.”