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Tits for tats, cats for rats


Richard Hoad

Tits for tats, cats for rats

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I thought Barbados was more sophisticated. They have board houses and zinc fences. I was shocked . . . . I didn’t know that it would be so ordinary. – Shanique Myrie

BOARD CHATTEL HOUSES with zinc paling fences, ordinary folk not puffed with pretenses; Crop Over females who give me ning-nings, these are a few of my favourite things.
   Unsophisticated ladies who wiggle their fannies, make their men happy without drugs in no crannies, take any hardship cruel fortune brings, these are a few of my favourite things.
   When those foreigners carp with their tongues sharp to make me feel bad, I simply remember that I’m en Barbade and then, boy, I feel . . . real glad.
   First off, we were shocked to read a few days ago that over 90 per cent of communities in the Jamaican capital, Kingston, are “heavily infested” with disease-carrying rats and there are no funds available to tackle the problem.
   A first step would be to keep their cats at home, especially the big ones.
We should help here. Any Jamaican caught trying to sell a cat in Barbados should be packed home forthwith.
   Okay, let’s leave the furry creatures and ruffle feathers instead. I love to go a-wandering the hills of Morg beyond, beside the bonnie banks and braes of a peaceful, placid pond.
Imagine me, then, steeped in solitude, deep in thought, when suddenly without warning a hideous ear-splitting shriek erupts mere feet away and the hills come alive with mad rustling.
   It’s a family of coots. There can be no sensible explanation for their unseemly conduct. They could keep quiet and remain undetected but instead go swimming off, an easy target for vigilante white gunmen. One can only conclude that the perverse pleasure they derive from seeing me jump 12 feet vertically outweighs all desire for safety.
   So too did our own Wild Coot shock the daylights out of me with his last Monday’s column. We agree that Froon didn’t seek the prime ministership. He stepped up to the plate at a difficult time, much like an airline steward who takes over a 747 when the pilot drops dead and tries to bring us safely back to earth.
But, good grief, Coot, to ask that we now leave him be and not celebrate his “possible deficiencies” is too much. You are overlooking a most vital role of great leaders.
   Do you not realize how, after the glory days of Sandi when one could toss off topics and tunes by the dozen, we who write in calypso vein suffered in the lean seven plus seven uninspiring Arthur years? It was like dry-as-dust Obama coming after Bush.
   And if providence hath happily provided us with another Sandi, should we not avail ourselves?
Do you know with what joy my grandson sings “Freundel ain’t saying nuttin”? And just think how other calypsonians could rework old songs to cash in on the bonanza.
Like Bag: “Oye, oye, oye, nothing’s happening, and it’s so frustrating, Barrack can’t get pay, Alexandra still same way, Clico holders holding strain . . . .”
Gabby: “I want some pins, Froonie, some needles and pins, Froonie; muh economy brown now muh pants fall down and ah ’fraid Maxine might see”.
Serenader: “It’s no steps forward, no steps backward, just trimble, hold belly and trimble . . . .”
Ridley Masque Greene: “Hip hop, let’s hail Froo-Froo, don’t mind what he dint do; his diction’s straight and pure, even though his nipples sore . . . .”
   By the way, neither Mike Williams nor I share Carl Moore’s views on the “nipples” issue. Admittedly, in recent times some ministers have attained an almost porcine immensity. But it is unthinkable that our PM would liken the Barbados Government unto a sow pig.
Finally Duke Check ED Shirt wouldn’t even have to change the chorus for “These are the good things that Froonie do”.
   Yes, Wild Coot, happy days are here again and Froon’s unique style could be the saviour of our country.
   I myself am coming with one called Faze, Fuzz and Fizz to explain the PM’s strategy. He was never talking about any “phase” but rather “faze” (to disconcert or disturb).
   The next step is “fuzz”, where you confuse the issue, and, finally, “fizz”, which is what will happen when the [retired Justice Frederick] Waterman report comes out.
   It’s similar to how doctors put serious patients into an induced coma. In this case, the patient is Barbados.
• Richard Hoad is a farmer and social commentator. Email [email protected]

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