Should I leave or stay for the kids?
I read your column daily and have decided that I should seek your advice. I have been seeing this guy for the past two years. It was love at first sight. We travelled together, lived together for a while, then he took me to meet his family – as I was pregnant. That’s when all the drama started.
His mother introduced me to the mother of his child, which I thought was rude; that was for him to do.
Of his three sisters, two displayed a rather fake interest in my life, while the other, whom I really like, appeared very genuine.
Some of the problems which have affected our relationship are: his mother lives next door to him, and the mother of his child lives a few houses away. She is always at his mother’s house. This means I always have to see her or bear with his mother. While living with him I had no privacy.
His child from this woman is a destructive force. After the birth of my baby, jealousy absorbed her and she destroyed some of my personal items. This is a child whom I used to walk to school. I took care of her because her mother was too busy sleeping to care for her.
One morning as I was taking her to school, his sisters told me I was an idiot to do this, as her own mother wasn’t doing it.
I was annoyed to see how small-minded they were, but I continued this kindly act until the little girl showed me her true colours.
She became rude, loud and, in truth, is very troublesome. When she was around seven years old, she went as far as to tell me that it’s her dad’s house and I cannot tell her what to do.
When I relayed this to him he told me I was telling lies. Out of sheer frustration I moved out and returned home.
This man’s mother runs his life and tells him what to do. She is two-faced because she told me about his past, all the wrong he has ever done, and about his life with the child’s mother when they were living together.
In short, she told me about the past lives of all her children.
When my boyfriend and I began to have problems in our relationship, he told me to talk things over with her [his mother]. After seeing how she discussed everyone’s business with me, I declined to discuss mine with her. This brought a bigger rift between my boyfriend and me.
I have asked him about moving as I would never be comfortable being at his place. He told he is comfortable and I should come back and live with him. I told him no.
My question to you Christine is, should I give up the relationship because he prefers to be a boy instead of a man and own up to his responsibilities to me and our children, or should I put up with all this [the relationship] for the sake of our young children who need their father?
I hope you will follow the advice I am about to give: Don’t return to that house. From where I sit, I see a very dysfunctional family with little appreciation or love for you.
His mother is obviously the head of the gang – so to speak – and her children are her little puppets.
His daughter’s behaviour and lack of respect towards you is as a result of what she has been seeing and hearing from the adults around her.
You are a total misfit in their lives, and he is everything but a responsible, supportive, independent man.
If he cared about your comfort and the comfort of your children, he would not be encouraging you to return to that nest of deceit.
Don’t buy into the lie that you should return “for the children’s sake”.
He can support them wherever they are living. If he fails to, seek support through the court. You should also work hard to help support them yourself.
Stay away from that stress and confusion. You’ve been there already and done that! Learn from your past experience. It’s now time to move on.